Numb and confused..

Blah.. 2 posts in less than a day..

What the fark.. Not feeling too good. =(

Really ironic.. the irony. Never felt so emo for so long, forgotten how it felt. Now that I feel it again, I am reminded of why I hate it so much in the first place. And I loathe myself for letting me slip into that God-forsaken state of limbo, numbness and confusion.

Which is EXACTLY why I hate emotions. FOr I am subject to it. And I feel it with such intensity that I hate it.

Why me.

I don't really wanna care. Yet, not to care would be irresponsible, which is not part of what defines me. I won't run away from problems, yet, to face it also takes a mountain of courage and emotional strength. SO I'm here, thinking: "God, please don't let me drain my emotional strength, not again.."

Gahh.. Childish thoughts.

2 more weeks to internal exam. I doubt it will be easy. Trying my best to cope. Study study study..

Sometimes I wonder how the hell did I ace SPM with such... unspeakable torment and despair during that time. I did it before, I sure as hell can do it now. Bring it on.. Gahhh..

THIS IS MADNESS!! THIS IS... me, just being me..

*******

I am a free spirit.. bound to no one but my own instinct and will. Tread not on my dreams, for it shall invoke a vengeful wrath none could withstand. Emotions are my eternal enemies; for it is my vow, for I let not petty feelings control this burning soul - me, forever intent on conquering new heights and defeating my inner demons..

Sleepy and tired.. but loving it..

Here I am, posting another update.. Borrowing Kian Joo's lappie. This morning went out with sister who came all the way from PJ just to get me outta this place and have some good ol not-halal MEAT. Bwahaha.

This week had been, well, fun I guess. Stayed up late every night, going to library to study. Really starting to worry. Our lecturers are super duper slow.. Whereas the one and a half year program ones are way ahead of us.. omgwtf.

That being said, I'm really grateful to have so many close friends here.. At least there are some who looks like they are not really that worried. OH well. =="

Dunno what to say nemore. Its been too long (felt like it) since I last went online, updating crap and spitting out rubbish on my blog.

By the way, something happened this week. It was quite daunting, confusing yet sweet at the same time. Life for me will never be the same. =) Now that I think of it, it really came quite unexpectedly and uncalled for. Life can throw surprises at you when you are least prepared, and it will go equally as fast and leave you yelling "WTF was that for??" then again I think that's how we grow up. And I think I made the right decision.. I THINK. *shrugs*..

Haih, so much happened in such a short time.

=)

Ahoy there from KTT~

I'm now at Inti Nilai campus, borrowing a friend's laptop just to get online and post an update of my life so far at KTT.

The orientation week just ended. I'm really happy to say that we got the first place for the performance competition. We did really well with the fashion show thing. It was done with lots of creativity and improvisation. All the sleepless nights, staying up till 1 o'clock in the morning, it was really worth it when they announced we're the winner. If I have the chance I'll upload the video. Its bloody funny.

Hell yeah, Czech-bound scholars are so united. We're proud that we're the craziest group too. Everyone else, including the India and Indon-bound ones are so damn serious and very normal. We (CzechMed) are the noisy ones, the crazy ones, the ones that talk loudly and laugh aloud when eating, the ones that walk around in one big crazy group. I so love my group. I love my new-found friends too. We got bonded to each other in such a short time. Simply amazing.

Tomorrow marks the start of lessons. We'll start grinding through a hectic 1 year of hellishly difficult stuff - the super accelerated A-levels. In 3 weeks we'll have our first mid-sem exam. In 3 months we'll be sitting for our AS exam - Advanced Subsidiary level. OMGWTFBBQ. 3 freaking months. Super kin teo. My housemates all already start reading up. I've only started on Bio so far. 8D Good thing is, the lessons themselves aren't that packed. We have relatively stress-free timetable. Much free time. In short, everything depends on yourself. You have to take initiative to study, take initiative to grind, to get into the madness mode. o.O

THIS IS MADNESS! Looking forward to it though.

Stay tuned for my next update. Yeehaa.

Super quick little update

So finally I'm at KTT. Safe flight, safe arrival, bla bla. Settled down quite nicely. Its been 2 days since I'm here and frankly, its much better than I initially thought.

This week is purely orientation week. So we're the noobs and freshies, brought around the college area to know life at KTT. Countless briefings and lots of fun moments with the seniors. I found out that there are 26 Czech-bound students, 29 Poland-bound (if I'm not mistaken), plus a whole big group of Indian-bound dentistry and medic students. I got to know many of the Czech-bound ones, and in such a short time, being in a secluded and isolated place, bound by the same mission and destiny, driven by the same determination, we became very good friends as if we've known each other all along. (actually I do, since a few of them are ReCommers)

The college itself is situated in Sepang area, near Nilai. Its basically surrounded by highway, jungle and oil plantation. No significant populated areas nearby. Nilai is just 15 minutes away though, so its still not that bad. At least we can concentrate more on our studies.

After just 2 days, we already found out how A level will be like. Its gonna be hard and I'm gonna grind and fight tooth and nail just to stay in the programme. Aw shucks. First two days were filled with book-buying madness as everybody who cared enough frantically and literally hunted around for seniors' books. I took the liberty of cornering seniors at every opportunity, asking questions and seeking wise advice. Luckily there ARE a few GRSS senior here. Yay! Anyway I'm currently in book-hunting mode, stockpiling every kind of study material I can get in my apartment. o.O 8D

I've gotta run now. Actually now I'm just stealing some time and snuck into the comlab to update the blog. I'll try to blog more when I have the chance. Buh bye.

Reality of leaving settling in.

Yeah, I know, probably the lamest post title, ever.

These few days have been agony. Sore throat, for one. Heck its not even sore throat. More like, throat-so-sore-feel-like-shit-wanna-die kind. Yeah, THAT painful. Never had sore throat that agonizing before. Couldn't swallow, couldn't eat, drink, or even talk. The pain sort of just stayed there like this spiky metal ball thing lodged in your throat. Toss in a couple bouts of fever that keeps coming and going, then you'll have a wonderful way to spend 3 days lying in the living room watching reruns of Braveheart of Kingdom of Heaven while cursing your fate and massaging your white hot throat. Ouch. Thankfully getting a lil' better, after takin meds. And since when meds cost so much? 80 bucks for some freakin' antibiotics? Gahh.

It was pouring so heavily just now. I had the utmost pleasure of driving my parents home after dinner in that condition. All the way from Kuching Specialist Hospital (get meds) it was pouring. Literally like water coming down like waterfall. Can't see a thing. The road was like a shallow stream, and here and there there were deeper parts where water splashed up like magnificent waves when vehicles cross them. I never knew the deep puddles of water could hold such frictional force. Whole damn car slowed down almost a quarter of the speed when hitting the places. Such magnitude! Madness!

Anyway.. everybody's left for KL. Except me!! ...... stuck here trying to finish season 4 of Grey's Anatomy. Not that I complain. Lexie Grey is so damn hot. Just the kind of girl I want. Smart, kinda blur, funny, fair-skinned and tad brownish hair. *drool* if ever during my stint as houseman after finishing meds and coming back at the hospital do I come across someone like that.. OMG. Dream come true.

I'll be leaving in 2 more days. Now that I think of it, this is the moment I've been wanting to get to since Form 5. I wanted to get the hell out of Kuching so badly, just leave all those bad memories behind and start a new life somewhere. Yet now that I'm REALLY leaving.. feels kinds hollow. Ironic.

Who gives a damn, right? Each to his own. No crappy and emo shit from me saying things like 'friendship' and 'path' and 'blablawhatevermushythingsyoucanthinkof'. Its life. It goes on. I'm eager to see what's new out there. Experience new life, new friends, new culture. This is life. This IS MADNESS!! Bwahaha.

Time to take my meds.. Gahh wtf.

The Great Office War!!

I found this video on Yahoo! and it really made me smile. Kinda funny. It was really impressive though. Just watch it till the end.



I just finished packing my stuff. All my clothes and belongings occupied 3 freakin' bags. o.O

Oh well.

SimCity4 madness!

I've been killing time by playing Sim City 4. Don't laugh. No, stop it. Don't even smile.

It's fun to have control over everything. I take pleasure in seeing things grow and evolve. Building a city from scratch is almost an art form - from a small town, to a city, to a BIG city, to a metropolis with all its traffic, pollution, glitzy tall commercial buildings and public transport. Phew. I love building cities. Mwahaha. Earning tons of cash in the process is an added bonus too. Its a delicate process and is almost a superhuman skill to balance income and expenditure.

I'm taking a breather from all that city-building. Computer lags when the city becomes larger and larger. Stupid computer. Stupid lousy slow old outdated sickening computer.

First day of NOT going to school is, well, quite enjoyable. No need to wake up early and go listen to boring Chemistry lessons. 8D *nudge nudge* Then again I'll miss the crazy Maths sessions in the afternoon at the library. Miss being able to scream THIS IS MADNESS!! and KANASAI MACAM TAHI ARRGHH with me buddies. Hmm. Wondering whether I'll be able to do that over at KTT. BUT I'll need to have good friends to do that together baru got the Ooomph. For that, I'll need to find myself some friends. Before that I need to know them. Before that I need to be there first. Before that I need to start my freakin' bag. Shit. Large, freakin' bags. Feels like I'm moving my whole life there.

Then again, I AM moving my whole life there. 8D

Enough crap for now.

Tiny little update

I expected today to be a whole day filled with movie marathon, food, good times with friends and such. How disappointed I was when everybody went home after just one pathetic movie and a meal together. I guess there will always be the good memory and the quality time we spent together. We'll definitely meet each other soon. 7 years or more from now, I'm gonna see them again.

One last gathering of friends.. before going off to a whole new life filled with endless revision, lecture, study, books and the sole determination to survive A-level with excellence and get into Czech Republic.

We watched The Happening today. Frankly, M. Night Shyamalan let me down. I expected something more gory and splattered with horrifying, bloody scenes of people mutilating and destroying themselves without any expression of pain. The absence of pain part was quite catchy and worth it. Yet, I find myself wanting more scenes of gore and mindless acts of people doing frightening stuff just to scare my shit off. The movie failed to do just that. At first, the scene of a whole park full of people stopping everything they're doing and starting to walk backwards like aliens or whatever-shit-and-sickening-things-you-can-think-of was quite unnerving. The novelty wore off soon enough though.

After the movie, we went to have lunch at After 3. The eatery was very impressive. I like the overall ambience. Food was nice. Then came the parting and farewell. It was done and over with in a short time. Surprisingly. I had to send Nic off and since we had time to kill, we went to The Spring. Being the book freaks we are, MPH Bookstore naturally comes to mind when we go there. I bought 2 books - The Master Plan to Success by Napoleon Hill and Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. Both are best-selling self-help books. I have an affinity for these recently.

Running out of ideas.. Stay tuned for my next update.

Of Humility

Have you ever wondered what other people think of you? Ever wondered how others view you? What kind of impression do you leave on others? All those seemingly petty questions that keep lurking at the back of your mind ironically? I do. All the time.

Even though sometimes I strive to project an all-confident image of individuality and the sort of I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think attitude, the doubt and fear never really left me. I'm afraid that others ridicule me, thinking me of nothing more than a lowly, proud, vain, arrogant son of a bitch who never really deserved the coveted scholarship. In fact, this sense of self-esteem, or rather, the lack of it, has been following me since Form 4. It wasn't the issue of scholarship then, its the issue of me being me and how I carry myself in school.

I ask myself all the time: am I behaving correctly? Is this how I'm supposed to talk? How I'm supposed to communicate? How I'm supposed to treat others? Is this the way someone who got the best male student award (but probably didn't deserve it) carry himself? There are quite a lot of people who think I am arrogant. I had the liberty to ask a close friend of mine about the question. She answered me simply: " Its not the way you are.. sometimes the way you speak makes people think you are. " which drew me into this long period of contemplation. How then, do you control yourself from saying things that you don't mean? How then do you react to things, express yourself without appearing like a proud nerd? I don't mind being labelled a nerd, but I mind like hell if people think me arrogant. Who in their right mind would want to walk around the school with people throwing angry glances in his or her way, or look at him/her with a touch of disapproval in their eyes?

Sometimes, people misinterpret what I say as me being a jerk who shows off, rather than interpreting it as me having a bit of good clean fun peppered with sarcasm. That's why narrow-minded people aren't counted amongst my best of friends. It bothers me that people can't take sarcasm and humour, misinterpreting it as a real and true remark of pure arrogance coming out of me. When you decide to keep quiet instead of saying such things, they would start thinking you're being that arrogant jerk who doesn't mix with other people. What should one do then? Talk or no talk; its dead end either way.

That's why I strive to inculcate humility in myself by thinking before speaking. Maybe it is indeed true that I sometimes speak with a sense of arrogance but never in my life do I consciously want to project that kind of image, neither do I WANT to show off. I admit there are some things and certain times when my pride got ahead of me and seriously I'm not proud of those moments. Which brings me back to why I try to be humble and carry myself as someone in my shoes should. I really adore someone back then who used to be my classmate: she was the best student in my class yet she kept a low profile and was extremely humble. Why couldn't I be more like her? I know I could do it..

Therefore, my point is, no one in this world will really be honest and can tell you straight in the face that they don't care what others think. At some point in their lives, they will start to think about it. I decide to face it and confront it rather than walking away. I can't live my whole life with other people thinking me as an arrogant son of a bitch, can I? =P

The Science of Getting Rich

Is there really a science of getting rich? Much like there is a science for social study, natural science, biological science, health science, psychological science etcetera? According to the author, Wallace D. Wattles, there is indeed a science of getting rich.

In fact, Mr. Wattles drew quite a controversy after he published the book. The church deem it heretical in nature and is blasphemous. It was banned, if I'm not mistaken. Yet, after almost a century later, here I am, blogging about it after having just finished reading the whole book.

You might ask me the ultimate question - is there REALLY a science of getting rich? Personally, I'd say yes. What is outlined in the book is nothing more than a systematic system of focusing one's thoughts in achieving wealth, much related to the Law of Attraction. I can hardly have myself saying it as a 'science' per se, much like I doubt that the 'LAW' of Attraction has anything scientific in nature. However, Mr. Wattles did create a work no one else had produced and honestly, it has made me into a believer, albeit being a little bit sceptical at that.

The main ideas in the book is as follows:

THERE is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

A thought in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought.

Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance can cause the thing he thinks about to be created.

In order to do this, man must pass from the competitive to the creative mind; otherwise he cannot be in harmony with the Formless Intelligence, which is always creative and never competitive in spirit.

Man may come into full harmony with the Formless Substance by entertaining a lively and sincere gratitude for the blessings it bestows upon him. Gratitude unifies the mind of man with the intelligence of Substance, so that man's thoughts are received by the Formless. Man can remain upon the creative plane only by uniting himself with the Formless Intelligence through a deep and continuous feeling of gratitude.

Man must form a clear and definite mental image of the things he wishes to have, to do, or to become; and he must hold this mental image in his thoughts, while being deeply grateful to the Supreme that all his desires are granted to him. The man who wishes to get rich must spend his leisure hours in contemplating his Vision, and in earnest thanksgiving that the reality is being given to him. Too much stress cannot be laid on the importance of frequent contemplation of the mental image, coupled with unwavering faith and devout gratitude. This is the process by which the impression is given to the Formless, and the creative forces set in motion.

The creative energy works through the established channels of natural growth, and of the industrial and social order. All that is included in his mental image will surely be brought to the man who follows the instructions given above, and whose faith does not waver. What he wants will come to him through the ways of established trade and commerce.

In order to receive his own when it shall come to him, man must be active; and this activity can only consist in more than filling his present place. He must keep in mind the Purpose to get rich through the realization of his mental image. And he must do, every day, all that can be done that day, taking care to do each act in a successful manner. He must give to every man a use value in excess of the cash value he receives, so that each transaction makes for more life; and he must so hold the Advancing Thought that the impression of increase will be communicated to all with whom he comes in contact.

The men and women who practice the foregoing instructions will certainly get rich; and the riches they receive will be in exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.

In laymen's words, you can have what you want if you visualise it in your mind, constantly forming a mental image of it and having the absolute faith that it will come to you in time. This is relatively similar to the Law of Attraction, though I must say I can't quite confirm it because I've yet to read it.

Some might see why the book was labelled as a heretical work. It challenges the common Christian belief that one must be content with whatever God gives him or her, for He has plans for everyone of us. Mr. Wattles, however, believes that life itself is constantly seeking ways to express itself, thus it will always want to expand, to grow, to give life unto others and continuously be abundant and rich. It is with this same principle that one could ask God to give him more and to give him whatever he wants, because it is God's very nature for life to be abundant and rich.

Thus, the main idea in this book is that there is no limit to how much wealth you can have, plus you can attain it without a single sense of guilt because the wealth attained is of creative form, not from competition - it materialises out of creative visualisation and not selfishness or acts of ill will. That being said, don't be confused and think the book teaches you how to mentally picture a PS3 really hard and it will pop right out of thin air before you. Rather, it puts forward a principle that if only you hold true with absolute and concrete faith that what you want will be granted in time, the infinite abundance will grant you the wealth you seek. Why? Because it is the will of life itself to be rich and abundant, and it is through that will that one could attain infinite riches. The term 'rich' here refers not only to material wealth but also wealth of all forms in life. Therefore, picture with absolute confidence and faith the thing you want, take the necessary actions in order to prepare for its arrival, and in time, wealth will come. The universe will shift and prepare a course for its arrival to you. That's the main gist of it.

I'm actually putting this 'science' to work by testing the theory. My object of desire? A brand new Dell XPS M1730 portable gaming behemoth. Let's see whether Mr. Wattle knows what he is saying. Then again, you can't blame him if he's not correct because he's dead more half a century ago.

If you're interested in the book, let me know. I have an E-book version of it and will be more than glad to send you a free copy.