It is that feeling again.

Today is the first day of Lunar New Year, though me and my family did not do much. Pretty much sat around at home, sleeping, watching DVD's, hog the computer. Yet today I woke up feeling wretched and weak. Turns out I have gastric, which is painful, diarrhoea and slight bit of fever. Sick on the first day of CNY. Bugger.

Had some time to kill, so I went and read other people's blog. It hit me how time flies, how things can change in such a short time. How people change. It is inevitable. 2008 flew past and with it, the death of my old self. Then again I read Kim's blog. This particular sentence struck me:

What would you say if God asked you whether your life is any different from a non-Christian?

Personally, I have no answer to that. I realised I feel distant from Him. Why do I only pray when I was back at college? Why do sometimes I feel joy, yet at other times feel like my life is not any different when this whole thing have not happened? I thought I had found my purpose, but truthfully, I do not even know what that purpose is. To help others? To dedicate myself into servitude, serving a cause higher than my own? To be committed to a charitable foundation, then start my own once I have enough funds and volunteers to run it? I even seriously considered to specialise in accident and emergency so that I might go to any war-torn places and help all that I can.

Such idiocy. Hypocrisy can really make you feel ashamed of yourself. I thought to myself, is that what you really wanted? I do not even know how my future would turn out to be. I have some fuzzy images but they do not help much. Friends who are faithful would say: "Turn to God." Yet I do not even know how to do that. Pray? Check. Read the Bible daily? Check. Then what?

People say if you know a lot about Christianity, yet do not have a personal relationship with God, then you are not a Christian. For me, I think I have no knowledge about the faith, nor do I think I have any personal relationship with Him. It is terribly agonising and confusing, sometimes.


Alas, what I could do, ironically, is pray.

Enough talk about religion, then. I find it soul-sapping sometimes.


On the other hand, I went to read someone's blog. I seriously felt like banging my head on the wall and cutting my arm and inflicting all sorts of pain onto myself. I should not have done it. That particular sentence stabbed my heart, and there was only a murmur in my heart:

It is all your fault. You deserve to feel this way.

To hurt someone when BOTH of you were not ready for it. I seriously made a vow to stay off these sort of issues from now on. Let God decide.

I procrastinate, a lot.

Yes, I admit I am no robot. I decide to do one thing. Whether that thing gets done or not is another matter.

Since the start of the holiday, I actually wanted to revise on Chemistry and Biology. I set big plans and deadlines for myself. I planned to go through everything, at least once. I know that I am far behind my classmates.

Procrastination prevails. I simply do not have the will to force myself to study. There had been too many distractions. I am currently staying at my sister’s apartment at Petaling Jaya, by the way. So came the inevitable shopping sprees, morning breakfast, dinner at some fancy bistro - the list goes on. I never had the time to properly sit down and focus. Not that I had time nor the proper place to park my bum anyway.

To think that close to 10 days of supposedly fruitful break was wasted, just like that. Thrown down the drain like some gooey mixture with the stench of dead mice. Sometimes, I blast myself in my mind, the disciplined, prim and proper side of me giving the lazy, laid-back other a good, harsh telling.

“There you go again, wasting all your time, doing unproductive things!”

“Relax, dude, we still got time.”

“TIME?? Mid semester exam is coming. In two weeks you will regret this! Your friends have been grinding their bloody noses off books, while you have been loafing around, rotting and decaying!”

“Pfft.”

Yes, sometimes, all I could manage was a pathetic ‘pfft’ at the whole mind-boggling reality. The painful, cold and merciless reality that I am hopelessly behind schedule and yet could do nothing about it. I understood Yu Xin’s unbearable stress during the Advanced Subsidiary examination not too long ago. I felt the way she felt, though on a more manageable level. I simply restrained, with a considerable amount of strength, myself from collapsing emotionally and bursting out like a wretched filthy water balloon.

Yuck.

Yet, all I could manage was a ‘pfft’. Or a ‘meh’. For I, being ever the lowly, undeserving and overrated student that I am, simply could not believe the impossible odds.

Looking back, somehow I could manage all that. Managed to pass last year’s mid semester and Pre-AS without being bruised much. Higher power at work here, I would sometimes think. Truth is, there had been times when something seemed so doomed to failure and cannot be salvaged, and yet it turned out better than what I ever dared to imagine.

Conclusion is, even when I feel so helpless, like being on a tiny rickety boat on a raging sea in the midst of a ferocious storm, I somehow can be the lone sailor who whistles happily, tending to the riggings and checking the sails while holding on to dear life. Yes, Ian the worry-free sailor. Sometimes it would become an oxymoron. I could have won The Best Oxymoron Award for it.

Just kidding, there is no such award. If there is, do inform me.

p.s. this post can also be found at my other blog - www.ianbong.net

p.s.s please visit the other site if you can afford to. Thanks for your support!

Important changes.. and a whole lot of theology.

I would like to announce that I decided to close this blog to the public. I have invited only a select few and given them access to this blog. If you have been invited, know that you have exceptional importance in my heart.

The reason I close the blog to the public should be very apparent - I need privacy. Privacy is a commodity few would give up. I thought that with fame, privacy needs to be sacrificed. Fame in the sense that people know you and it is only natural that they come to your blog (this sounds so vain, but I have had strangers dropping by). Well, regretfully, that has brought me countless troubles. From hate mails after getting JPA scholarship to insults from unknown, anonymous people, I endured it all. The last straw came when I posted the last entry.

My testimony sparked fury from my family such that I have not known before. It was quite daunting to face them. My heart ached when my father called me and gave me an earful. He forbade, I repeat, FORBADE me from being a Christian. My sister tried to talk me out of it. My mother, though she did not say it out loud, expressed her disapproval through her tone (she is excellent at that). The only person liberal enough to respect my decision was my brother, although he was a bit disappointed too. This was since two days ago. Little would I know that God has planned everything out.

Now, most people would prefer celebrating the New Year's Eve with friends or family at a countdown festival. Even my fellow friends at KTT spent time together at the famous Star Walk. For me, I celebrated my countdown at the most unlikely place - a Buddhism prayer mass. My siblings brought me there. Now I know why my mother was so adamant about me coming to KL for the four-day holiday.

See where I am getting to?

They wanted to change my mind. Knowing them, my parents and sister would probably stop at nothing to get me to change my mind. I assumed so, yet it was not so. Thankfully.

Such hostility towards Christian faith. Such unmerciful, uncompromising intolerance. From my own family. Could you even imagine the pain it causes? I had been waging a silent protest for two days. I only talked when need arises, to the point my sister doubt that I was having a severe bout of headache. We had dinner, and then came the tipping point: we debated, we argued, and she almost cried while I held my stand. I refused to budge.

When we got back, I was left to go back to her apartment alone with her housemate while she left to cool her mind. I prayed vehemently, seeing that if this crisis proved impossible, the rifts between me and my family would grow to such an gargantuan scale. I plead desperately to Him because I needed a way to tell my parents.

Then, as always, He knew best. As amazing as it sounds, as insurmountable the odds seemed, it was settled in an amicable way. I called my mother and talked to her sincerely, such that I never had before. We shared our views, she telling why she opposed the idea. I told her my side of the story. I told her my testimony myself, from my own heart, even though my whole family had somehow read my blog before this. I tried to reason with her, and I think it somehow worked.

Turns out, the whole problem with them objecting was their bad experience with Christians. During their university days, their Christian acquaintance showed some attitude and conducted themselves in a manner less than what true Christian faith would approve. Most recently, my grandmother passed away and some of my cousins, being Christians, did not even turn up. My mother told of how one of my cousin refused to pay last respects by way of kneeling and refused to hold the joss stick. Some of them did not even come back for the remainder of the funeral ritual. She told of how my whole generation, that being those who are somehow related to my grandmother, including my uncles, granduncles, aunts and 2nd or even 3rd cousins, personal friends and relatives of my grandfather's side saw how my Christian cousins behaved. They were disappointed and angry at such disrespectful manner. To think one of my Christian cousins would hold his wedding, right after 1 or 2 weeks after the funeral!

I do not know much about Christian faith forbidding the joss stick and kneeling and such, but for me, personally I think that tradition and belief are two totally different domains. Being a Christian does not mean I cannot hold the incense for the sake of respect for the ancestors and elders. It does not mean I cannot go to the temple anymore, though of course I would not kneel before the deities (that would be wrong). Yet it does not mean I cannot go, because it is a cultural practice. It does not mean narrowing and limiting your world to such a point that all other tradition and culture becomes demonic and Satanic. Why the intolerance? My parents fear the worst: that I would become a fanatic, a mindless self-proclaimed faithful believer who would forget his own roots and Chinese upbringing.

After what seemed like an eternity of reasoning, we came to conclude that what I believe in is different from what my roots are. I could practically believe in whatever I want, so long as I do not forget my roots and do not abandon my family traditions. In my opinion, I could practise both without affecting my faith in the Lord. On official matters, I would write 'agama Buddha' as my official religion but in effect, I am a Christian at heart. Does it matter? We all proclaim our faith to the one true God, yet in the process, rejecting all others. Where is the tolerance? Where is the kindness? Where is the understanding? Does not the commandment, Love Thy Neighbour hold? One Church, One Faith? It is poppycock for all I know. Countless branches of Christianity see to that. Methodist, Roman Catholic, Anglican, 7th Day Adventist, Pentecostal, Evangelical. The list goes on. Compared to Buddhism, we Christians should be ashamed of ourselves before we start condemning other faiths.

Therefore, my family and I came to a precarious compromise - I should not forsake my family bonds, traditions, culture and ancestral Chinese upbringing, much as they should not forbid me from believing in Jesus. I think that balancing both is the key. Practically, culture and belief really are worlds apart, but it would be pointless to try to let one be the priority and let it dictate how one lives life. If I follow Christ to the point of abandoning my family roots, what good is that? I would be as good to burn in Hell than to proclaim myself righteous. If holding incense and kneeling to pay respects to elders grants one a place in Hell, then I personally think that would be a matter between God and me.

I might be wrong and for all I know, I am almost 100% wrong in my thinking, yet, I see no other way. I chose to believe in God. Were it not for my belief, none of this would have happened. So, in order to believe in Him, I have to compromise by doing things supposedly disallowed in the Holy Bible. Ironic, I know. It becomes a vicious endless cycle where none would gain the upper hand and neither side would be right.

Thus, after much thought, I decided that it is best for me to close this blog to the public and open another one. It all started because of the blog entry. I realised how important privacy is, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. If this blog were to be private, I have to open another one to display the other side of me. In effect, I would maintain two seperate blogs - one for private musings, the other for 'official' updates. It is the best solution, in my opinion. Although it is not free (the domain name and hosting for my new one is not free, mind you), I guess it is worth it.

So, effective today (ironically, today is 1st of January 2009), The Grey Haven goes private. Ian's Journey of Life goes online. I would post my thoughts, my spiritual journeys and my private opinions here, whereas the other would be for my usual updates.

My new blog is at www.ianbong.net . You are most welcome to go there, though I must add that it is not really complete yet. Wordpress is so different from Blogspot system, but it is fun. I had to build everything from scratch. Lucky for me, I had some experience with it so it was not all that difficult.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my ramblings. Currently I only invited 15 people to this blog, so count yourselves lucky because you are included in my private, inner circle of close friends.

... Okay take that back. I was just joking. Lolz.

On a more serious note.. I do appreciate you all. Thank you =)

I have a dream..

Dramatic title, one might say. Yet I could not think of anything better to describe the total submission to God, to serve as His humble servant. Below I shall attempt to describe my testimony of experiencing Him.

Warning: Don't read it if you think this article is not your cup of tea.

Recently my dear friend Kimberley wrote on her blog that she wants to set up a ministry where it could serve as a platfrom for volunteers to drop by to find anything that they could contribute and help in their own time and capacity. Read it all here. Personally I think it is a great idea. Like what she said, indifference is what makes people who do not really care from people who devote themselves to do good work.

Now, let me ask you a question: What is your purpose of living?

Is it to continue the endless cycle of studying, getting a degree, working, earning a living, marrying someone, raising a family, retiring and dying? Like almost every reasonable person on Earth does?
Is it because you do not have much choice anyway?
Is it because we are destined to be born here on Earth, so let's just screw it and live life as meaningfully as possible?
Or like the famous Agent Smith of The Matrix Trilogy puts it: " The purpose of life is to end. " ?

I've been trying to find an answer to that question for quite a number of years, and everytime I get closer to an answer I'm suddenly confused and lost again. Do you know the feeling of wanting to say something and then something distracts you, then when you want to remember what it is but then you couldn't? It is frustrating and annoying, is it not?

Then recently, I had an eureka moment, like the moment when you suddenly remember what you want to say and you continue chatting happily. The moment that changed everything.

I kept coming to a dead end when trying to answer my own question. Why do we even exist? Why do we live? Why? God, tell me. Tell me! That was what I did, for quite a number of years.

I had a dream in Form One (2003). I dreamt of a place, a bright place full of mist. There was nothing else, only white clouds and mist. Then I saw a man in white robes. He had shoulder-length auburn brown hair and a perfectly good complexion. A face of justice, of love, of mercy, of everlasting grace. I didn't know who He was. He dipped His hands in a bowl of oil held by a winged servant, and placed His two fingers on my forehead. In short, He annointed me. Then He said: "Welcome to the family."

I woke up feeling dazed. I didn't know what the dream meant. I was sceptical of myself, and I remembered thinking: Whoa, did that just happen? Nay, its only a dream. I thought I might have made the dream up.

I heard of the Gospel since Form Two (2004). Back then, being a cynical and sometimes sarcastic person, I would scoff and try to debate with my friend Samantha when she tried to tell me the Divine Truth, the Good News. Back then I was annoyed with how Christians seemingly try to reject other people's faiths and proclaim theirs is the righteous path. Now I know the reason why. Funny how when you look at things through different viewpoints, things that seem so one-sided suddenly becomes whole and wonderful.

Moving on.

In Form Four (2006), another friend Kimberley (this one being different from Kimberley Ngu, the one who had the whole ministry idea thing) gave me a bible and asked me to read it. Read it, I did. Little by little my heart opened, and I told Him: "Okay, if You're really THE One, prove it." Sometimes, I prayed. Sometimes, I totally forgot about Him. At times of great difficulties, when the odds are stacked against me and I felt breathless, I prayed for help. Then I forgot about Him again.

Now that I think of it, not a single one of my prayer went unanswered. He was always there. ALWAYS.

Then, during Form Five (2007), my faith in everything wavered. I forsook the belief in ancient Chinese deities. I forgot about Him either. I did not want to be tied down to anything. I thought back then, why believe in anything as long as you try to be a good person? So I lived a life of apparent freedom, of not believing in anything. I tried desperately to reach out to Him, desperate for a contact. I remember how I prayed desperately for something. I remembered saying to Him: God, if you really want me to believe in You, show me a sign, guide me. Show me a miracle. Give me a guide. Show me the way. Just, answer me! Please! Answer meeeeeeee.... He never did. So I threw up my arms in disbelief and gave up. I thought, what a scam. Yet something told me that in the end, I would have to change my mind.

During my stint in National Service (2008), they took us to the Buddhist temple every Sunday (I decided to follow and see what Buddhism is really like). I like it the premise of Buddhism, of the all encompassing compassion and everlasting wisdom of Buddha. I started to live like I had a faith. I started to see things the Buddhist way - compassion, tolerance and ideal merits. It went on until I was offered JPA scholarship. Off I go to Kolej Teknologi Timur.

I guess it all started in KTT. God works in mysterious ways. He led me back to Him at the most unusual place (isolated KTT), in the most unexpected of times. I started going to Christian fellowship, more so as courtesy rather than actually wanting to go myself. Since most of the time my friends were going as well, it felt rather un-gentleman-like not to attend.

I found out that Christians are not what I thought of them to be. They were not arrogant (though some might be) and they were not suspicious of people from other faiths. In fact, they were generous, friendly, warm and kind. Christians really do treat strangers as family, but of course it applies to where, when and whom are we talking about. So slowly, I opened my heart to listen to different ideas. Of why they believe God and why they do the things they do. I understood the passion. I understood why they so desperately want to try to tell people of the Gospel, of the Good News. (because God so loves us, He sent His only Son to die for us. We shall have everlasting life if we believe, if we just believe. How wonderful!)

Then one night, that fateful night, something happened. On 12th of December 2008, I stayed for a while to help arrange the chairs after another fellowship meeting. Some of the commitee members stayed as well. We had a prayer session. We sat in a circle. Every one prayed. I started feeling an undescribable feeling. A feeling of regret. Of guilt. Of great glory and power. I didn't understand it. When it came to my turn, I doubted how I could muster the strength to speak to Him after so long. I prayed out loud for the first time. It was a strange feeling, of how one could speak without thinking. It felt like my lips were not mine. Then my mental defences crumbled and I shook, and tears came streaming down from my eyes like torrents of rain. I couldn't do anything to control it. I felt like a sinful child who faces his father, like a child who's crying and afraid. I felt as if the father faces me sternly and said,"Where have you been? I've been waiting for so long!" He was stern yet kind. Then as a loving father he embraced the child. That's what I felt. I felt a rush of grace, of everlasting love that fills my soul. So I shook and trembled and cried for who knows how long. Cried in joy. Tears of relief.

After that experience, I knew that God is really there, He's been patiently guiding me, He's been patiently showing me the way. I was so lucky to be given the scholarship. I was so lucky to be at KTT. I was so lucky to be there where there were so many brothers and sisters who led me and guided my way. He showed me the way, one step at a time. He blessed my life with abundance - I have a loving family, true friends and now, a life with purpose. A life with a direction.

Remember the dream I had? Jesus told me I am going to be part of His family. When I remembered the dream some time ago, I was filled with such wonder and joy. He had told me in advance that everything will be alright.

So now, I live life with purpose. Knowing full well that everything has been planned for me, I no longer have the doubts about life. Whenever I am studying and toiling, I no longer think "what the hell is all this for? A medical degree? A life as a doctor? Is it even worth it?". I no longer brush off simple things that are often overlooked. For I have Him as my guide. Ever since that night, there is a great peace in my heart. There is no longer the restless, demonic monster within me. There is no longer the dark chamber. It has been filled with light.

Let us go back the the title. Sorry for such a long detour.

I remembered to serve as His humble servant if He makes me believe. I remembered how I prayed that I would serve Him if only He could show Himself to me. Now that I am a believer, I want to honour that promise, so I thought of ways to serve Him. Then, on a fateful chance excursion to Kim's blog, I read about the ministry. Something told me, Bingo! This is it!

To make it simple I shall quote a chapter from Bible - Matthew 25.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

You see, Jesus wants us to do good to our fellow brothers and sisters. It is reason enough for me to do what I want to do. I intend to set up a charitable organisation to serve the needy. I want to help those in need, those that are powerless and those who deserve better. Since I am going to be a doctor in the future (God willing), I think I could put the skills to a good use. I want to set up a foundation if it grows bigger. Then we could collaborate with existing charitable societies and organisations. What makes it different is the approach. Most people are indifferent about doing good. What Kim intends to do is a channel for people to come and help, be it in little ways or big ways. We would organise a lot of events and people could just drop by to see what they could do in their capacity. Say, we would want to build an orphanage. People could volunteer to chip in some donation, or donate some furniture, or come and help to run the place when they're free. We could also help with existing organisation, for example, The Kejara Soup Kitchen. Maybe we could recruit some young volunteers from youth fellowship to help out on the weekends or holidays.

Do you see where I am getting to?

It is just an idea, a wild, far-fetched idea. Yet my heart tells me, someday, I am going to do it in His name. There is so much injustice and so many needy people in this world. Everyone is so indifferent. Could there be not some grace, some compassion, some love? We are human in essence. If we could not help ourselves, then who are we in the universe?

I have set my mind on the mission. Even if it seems so impossible, but I am sure we could do it. People might think: "You so free ah, go and do charity?" or "You won't make it laaa" but I just have the faith.

And so, I have told of my dream. It is a sketchy idea but I am trying to get a clear picture of it. Right now Kimberley is going to Australia soon and I am going to Czech Republic next year (if God wills it). So we are putting the dream on hold. Yet I will not give up or forsake the dream.

On 12th December 2008, I became a believer. God is all-encompassing, eternal and full of love.


John 3:16 - For God so loved the world He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

Of painful arse and ice skating

Anyway, me and my siblings have been having great fun shopping for clothes these few days. Shopping malls offer incredible deals in a bid to outdo each other. Apparently the period after Christmas and New Year is the best time of the year to shop. B.U.M shirts for just RM15, a decent wool Diesel jacket for RM44, jeans for RM49 (!!!) to name a few. I think my sister and brother spent quite a few hundred ringgit on me alone (yes, I did not pay a single cent out of my pockets, bless them for being such generous) for my clothes. Personally I have not had such a great experience where one just walks for hours on end, searching for deals and grabbing whatever one could find and pay for. So in just two days' time, we scoured One Utama, Midvalley Megamall, Suria KLCC and Sunway Pyramid for clothes, clothes and more clothes. What a blast! My feet hurt. My arse is bloody painful too. Before you fail to see the connection between painful arse and RM15 T-shirts, let me recount my first experience at ice skating. Yes, we tried ice skating at the ice skating rink at Sunway Pyramid.

Let's just say, it wasn't as easy as I thought, it was terribly difficult, it was really bloody slippery on the ice, and I slipped and fell many more times than I could as much as slide 2 inches without grabbing on anything. At first I didn't, which was a bad choice, because the feeling of wildly flailing your arms and kicking your legs pathetically in a bid to stop yourself from falling (which is stupid, really, ice has nil friction) is really numbing and paralysing. Even when I held on to the side wall and tried to move forward, my feet would inevitably do the Irish jig again and off I go, waving frantically before catapulting in a splendid, graceful 'thud' that made the surrounding people go 'Ouch!' (people, its my arse, not yours).

I fell many times. How embarassing. I wonder how those people make it seem so easy, gliding like graceful swans over a blue crystal lake. They would weave in and out of the main crowd, swerve in a beautiful arch and make impressive moves that make people stare and pick their jaws off the rink.

In the end I decided to circle the rink for just 3 times before calling it quits. I decided I am just not cut out for ice skating. I would sooner learn ice skating than monkeys taking over the world. My back and arse aches and it is bloody painful to even sit down. Dang.

Moving on.

I suddenly have an urge to write something long. I shall do it in the next post.

Australia = awesome!

I have nothing much to post about, so I shall keep it short.

Australia, starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, is an awesome, mind-blowing movie. At the very least, it really is a movie of epic proportions and does portray Australia as a rough yet romantic country. The story premise is carefully balanced to include subtle messages of Australia's darker secret - the forceful removal of Aboriginal children from their native land and integrating them into the white society - while at the same expressing the raw love a lady has for her non-biological son and the romance between two seemingly incompatible people - a rowdy yet charming drover and a prim-and-proper English lady.

Nicole Kidman delivered a stellar performance as Lady Sarah Ashley, as expected, while Hugh Jackman did The Drover justice by portraying a free-spirited drover who is smitten by the lady. The story basically revolves around how Lady Ashley goes to Australia to save her cattle estate from taken over by a scheming business mogul and along the way, it includes the aboriginal flavour by casting Brandon Walters as young Nullah, an energetic young Aborigine boy who also plays an integral part in the film. From an apparently simple plot, the film evolves suddenly towards the middle end part and takes an unexpected twist when the Japanese attacked Darwin. It is then when heroism takes centre stage and the theme of love is expressed strongly.

I highly recommend this film, not only for the excellent acting, good storyline and interesting message, but also for the fact that it is one of the rare gems of movies that can make a lasting impression.

Yes, yes, yes!

No, I know what you're thinking. That is not what you think it is. It is definitely not the moans of someone in the throes of passion. Revolting, that is.

Well, its Christmas and KTT decided to grant us a much needed reprieve from the A2 (horribly difficult but strangely addictive). We have holidays all the way until new year! That is, if you do not consider the fact that we have to go back on 30th and 31st for 2 Physics period. What a shame, otherwise it would've been a 11-holiday for us. Gasp! That's longer than Chinese New Year and mid-semester holiday!

Life goes on. Anyway, just went to The Curve with my sister. Initially I wanted to join the countdown event but decided against it due to the swelling crowd and foul-smelling air. I bought 2 music CD's and a book - The Case for a Creator. Wonderful read, highly recommended for all of you out there who are sceptics of His presence and demand a scientific and logical explanation of why we think God exists. Its a good buy, perfect for the occassion - for tomorrow is Christmas! Rejoice for He who is King of Kings was born on this day! I am still amazed by His grace. If chance presents itself, I shall blog about it and tell of my testimony of His greatness some other time.

Well my sister and I watched a movie - Yes Man, starring Jim Carrey (which explains the blog title). In my humble opinion, its one of those comedy gems that will get you laughing and guffawing througout the duration of the movie.

In this movie, Jim Carrey stars as Carl Allen, who always says 'no' to things and makes up excuses. In short, he wasn't living a life he should've lived. That is, until he went to a motivational talk and starts challenging himself to say 'yes' to everything. Life for Carl takes a sharp turn as opportunities he never had before starts knocking at his doorstep and Carl suddenly finds himself attracted to a free spirit, Allison. The ending is as good as the start of the movie, where the plot eventually builds up into the climax, twists and turns (albeit rather ridiculously) into the conflict part and ends with a bang. I'd say this is one of Jim Carrey's best performance ever, ever since "Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind". Zooey Deschanel was stellar as Allison, Carl's love interest. She was stunningly beautiful in the movie and managed to portray an adventurous girl who loves to do spontaneous things. In a nutshell, Yes Man comes off as a very good comedy with all the right amount of elements thrown in - hilarious antics (and I mean, really hilarious), interesting plot and professional actors. Highly recommended :)

I'll stop blogging now. I need to transfer some music into my new iPod. Speaking of which, my sister gave me one for Christmas! (Actually I asked her to help me buy one, since there was a promotion - RM299 for iPod Nano 4GB.) I've been wanting one for ages. Finally I have one!

Time to start fiddling with it.. Thank you, Lord!

Going back to a life of peace, tranquility and books.

I'm going back soon. In 6 hours, my life would go back to what it has been for the past 5 months. Endless reading and re-reading of books. Constant revision of past year papers. My world has been revolving around nothing but the thought of passing AS. I don't even know the results yet, but soon the whole lot of us would be studying A2 already.

Endless grind of books. Somehow it takes things off my mind. Even though it is tough, life is simpler when you have nothing to do save for revising lessons and reading. There's no classroom politics, no backstabbing, no emotional friendship drama, no stupid puppy love scenarios, no regrets.

I managed to spend time with old friends during the 1-measly-week-holiday. If you call that a holiday. It didn't feel like it, for all I know. There's just this unexplained weariness and grief, bordering on dread. It has been growing on my mind ever since the holiday started, sort of like how weeds grow unchecked in a beautiful flower garden. The thoughts clouded my mind and rendered me exhausted. Yet exhausted of what, I know not. It feels like I'm weary of everything. Exhausted, in essence and in soul.

Words can't describe what I intend to express. It would be two months before I come back again. Sigh.

Lyrical emotions.

Feelings that feel almost lyrical in nature, as memories stir themselves up from the deep slumber in the catacombs of my endless void. As I sit listening to The Fray and typing away, I cannot help but feel nostalgic. Suddenly there is this gush of sheer sadness, borne out of nothing and without reason. I cannot find the answer to it.

Why such reckless sadness? Perhaps I should not listen to such music so often.

Speaking of which, these few days I've been busy bringing three of my friends from KTT for a short trip around Kuching. We arrived here at around 6 p.m. Then we went to walk around the Golden Triangle area near Riverfront. Yesterday morning we went to the cultural village near Damai beach. It was quite worth it, entrance fee being RM15 and all. We went to Jalan Song at night. This morning was spent visiting the Sarawak Museum and the handicraft shops fronting the river (forgot what's the road's name). Then, sent them off at airport. All was well. I think our friendship was strengthened somewhat, feeling that I know them better now.. It was a good experience. Priceless memories too..

I guess I just suddenly realised how fragile friendship is. Though one might nurture it like a young sapling and it might have endured countless storms, chances are that one day, out of neglect, the young tree shall wither. Then imagine the agony that would arise - its magnitude would be beyond words. Then there's the inevitable situation where friendships become mere passing acknowledgement of each others' existence, just because of distance. On the other hand, there is also the inevitable withering of many friendships when my A level course finishes. Hard and ugly truth is, we will not be sent to the same university. God knows what would happen then. Start life anew? Life goes on? That would pretty much be what I would say were not for my coming of age into a whole new future.

I have learnt that friendships aren't something you take for granted and can just ignore. Over the past 5 months I have learned that some things in life may appear less than their worth. So one moment you might be laughing along with them, sharing their joys and all, then suddenly the next moment you are all alone, thinking: what happens when we part? When we pour out the effort to nurture something from scratch, a part of us hopes it would grow into something meaningful and could be part of our lives. Yet when the circumstances do not allow it, it could be reduced to ashes.

Call me emotional and too romantic (not the lovey dovey sense) for my own good, but seriously, if one is human enough, such questions inevitably arise. Gone are the days when I would think that I can survive on my own, that life goes on. I would pull a mask of defiance over my real face, and over the years I have perfected the art of not caring and in the process became immune to such petty issues. Living in KTT changed the way I perceive life. There's more to life than withdrawing into your own coccoon and not caring. For all of us are humans. In the end we tend to stick together to others, we tend to share joy and pain and we tend to huddle together in the dark. We tend to look for some sign of reassurance when we are confused while treading on the path towards the unknown. Knowing full well that studying medicine would pretty much rip apart our social lives in the future, we look at each other and ask: " Is this worth it? Why are we even here?"

Even though the answer eludes most of us, we know that we are not alone in thinking about that. That is how my deeper understanding of life came about - from the most basic of human interaction that fills our daily lives, our understanding of friendship gradually shapes itself into something substantial that can be grasped.

Friends are those who are equally confused as you are as you walk along the path of life. Friends are the people, whom you know for only months, celebrate your birthday with grandeur and go to the extent of springing a trap, preparing and pouring smelly gooey stuff on you just to celebrate your coming of age, of finally becoming 18. Friends are people who walk alongside you, who, in their togetherness of one ultimate aim, become comrade-in-arms with you. Inevitably they would part to carry on their own seperate paths.

As I waved goodbye to my friends when I sent them off at the airport, I suddenly felt heavy blows of anguish, pain beyond words. Be it imagination (I really hope it is) or some premonition of things yet to come, I realised that would be how it would feel like when the day arrives.

***

That is exactly why such sadness evolved from the mere thought of parting, because, in essence, I am a human again. And being human subjects me to sorrow.

I'm back.. finally.

The feelings can't be described by words. Its just.. amazing. Two words sum it up:

I'm home.

Too dazed to blog, will update soon.