I have a dream..

Dramatic title, one might say. Yet I could not think of anything better to describe the total submission to God, to serve as His humble servant. Below I shall attempt to describe my testimony of experiencing Him.

Warning: Don't read it if you think this article is not your cup of tea.

Recently my dear friend Kimberley wrote on her blog that she wants to set up a ministry where it could serve as a platfrom for volunteers to drop by to find anything that they could contribute and help in their own time and capacity. Read it all here. Personally I think it is a great idea. Like what she said, indifference is what makes people who do not really care from people who devote themselves to do good work.

Now, let me ask you a question: What is your purpose of living?

Is it to continue the endless cycle of studying, getting a degree, working, earning a living, marrying someone, raising a family, retiring and dying? Like almost every reasonable person on Earth does?
Is it because you do not have much choice anyway?
Is it because we are destined to be born here on Earth, so let's just screw it and live life as meaningfully as possible?
Or like the famous Agent Smith of The Matrix Trilogy puts it: " The purpose of life is to end. " ?

I've been trying to find an answer to that question for quite a number of years, and everytime I get closer to an answer I'm suddenly confused and lost again. Do you know the feeling of wanting to say something and then something distracts you, then when you want to remember what it is but then you couldn't? It is frustrating and annoying, is it not?

Then recently, I had an eureka moment, like the moment when you suddenly remember what you want to say and you continue chatting happily. The moment that changed everything.

I kept coming to a dead end when trying to answer my own question. Why do we even exist? Why do we live? Why? God, tell me. Tell me! That was what I did, for quite a number of years.

I had a dream in Form One (2003). I dreamt of a place, a bright place full of mist. There was nothing else, only white clouds and mist. Then I saw a man in white robes. He had shoulder-length auburn brown hair and a perfectly good complexion. A face of justice, of love, of mercy, of everlasting grace. I didn't know who He was. He dipped His hands in a bowl of oil held by a winged servant, and placed His two fingers on my forehead. In short, He annointed me. Then He said: "Welcome to the family."

I woke up feeling dazed. I didn't know what the dream meant. I was sceptical of myself, and I remembered thinking: Whoa, did that just happen? Nay, its only a dream. I thought I might have made the dream up.

I heard of the Gospel since Form Two (2004). Back then, being a cynical and sometimes sarcastic person, I would scoff and try to debate with my friend Samantha when she tried to tell me the Divine Truth, the Good News. Back then I was annoyed with how Christians seemingly try to reject other people's faiths and proclaim theirs is the righteous path. Now I know the reason why. Funny how when you look at things through different viewpoints, things that seem so one-sided suddenly becomes whole and wonderful.

Moving on.

In Form Four (2006), another friend Kimberley (this one being different from Kimberley Ngu, the one who had the whole ministry idea thing) gave me a bible and asked me to read it. Read it, I did. Little by little my heart opened, and I told Him: "Okay, if You're really THE One, prove it." Sometimes, I prayed. Sometimes, I totally forgot about Him. At times of great difficulties, when the odds are stacked against me and I felt breathless, I prayed for help. Then I forgot about Him again.

Now that I think of it, not a single one of my prayer went unanswered. He was always there. ALWAYS.

Then, during Form Five (2007), my faith in everything wavered. I forsook the belief in ancient Chinese deities. I forgot about Him either. I did not want to be tied down to anything. I thought back then, why believe in anything as long as you try to be a good person? So I lived a life of apparent freedom, of not believing in anything. I tried desperately to reach out to Him, desperate for a contact. I remember how I prayed desperately for something. I remembered saying to Him: God, if you really want me to believe in You, show me a sign, guide me. Show me a miracle. Give me a guide. Show me the way. Just, answer me! Please! Answer meeeeeeee.... He never did. So I threw up my arms in disbelief and gave up. I thought, what a scam. Yet something told me that in the end, I would have to change my mind.

During my stint in National Service (2008), they took us to the Buddhist temple every Sunday (I decided to follow and see what Buddhism is really like). I like it the premise of Buddhism, of the all encompassing compassion and everlasting wisdom of Buddha. I started to live like I had a faith. I started to see things the Buddhist way - compassion, tolerance and ideal merits. It went on until I was offered JPA scholarship. Off I go to Kolej Teknologi Timur.

I guess it all started in KTT. God works in mysterious ways. He led me back to Him at the most unusual place (isolated KTT), in the most unexpected of times. I started going to Christian fellowship, more so as courtesy rather than actually wanting to go myself. Since most of the time my friends were going as well, it felt rather un-gentleman-like not to attend.

I found out that Christians are not what I thought of them to be. They were not arrogant (though some might be) and they were not suspicious of people from other faiths. In fact, they were generous, friendly, warm and kind. Christians really do treat strangers as family, but of course it applies to where, when and whom are we talking about. So slowly, I opened my heart to listen to different ideas. Of why they believe God and why they do the things they do. I understood the passion. I understood why they so desperately want to try to tell people of the Gospel, of the Good News. (because God so loves us, He sent His only Son to die for us. We shall have everlasting life if we believe, if we just believe. How wonderful!)

Then one night, that fateful night, something happened. On 12th of December 2008, I stayed for a while to help arrange the chairs after another fellowship meeting. Some of the commitee members stayed as well. We had a prayer session. We sat in a circle. Every one prayed. I started feeling an undescribable feeling. A feeling of regret. Of guilt. Of great glory and power. I didn't understand it. When it came to my turn, I doubted how I could muster the strength to speak to Him after so long. I prayed out loud for the first time. It was a strange feeling, of how one could speak without thinking. It felt like my lips were not mine. Then my mental defences crumbled and I shook, and tears came streaming down from my eyes like torrents of rain. I couldn't do anything to control it. I felt like a sinful child who faces his father, like a child who's crying and afraid. I felt as if the father faces me sternly and said,"Where have you been? I've been waiting for so long!" He was stern yet kind. Then as a loving father he embraced the child. That's what I felt. I felt a rush of grace, of everlasting love that fills my soul. So I shook and trembled and cried for who knows how long. Cried in joy. Tears of relief.

After that experience, I knew that God is really there, He's been patiently guiding me, He's been patiently showing me the way. I was so lucky to be given the scholarship. I was so lucky to be at KTT. I was so lucky to be there where there were so many brothers and sisters who led me and guided my way. He showed me the way, one step at a time. He blessed my life with abundance - I have a loving family, true friends and now, a life with purpose. A life with a direction.

Remember the dream I had? Jesus told me I am going to be part of His family. When I remembered the dream some time ago, I was filled with such wonder and joy. He had told me in advance that everything will be alright.

So now, I live life with purpose. Knowing full well that everything has been planned for me, I no longer have the doubts about life. Whenever I am studying and toiling, I no longer think "what the hell is all this for? A medical degree? A life as a doctor? Is it even worth it?". I no longer brush off simple things that are often overlooked. For I have Him as my guide. Ever since that night, there is a great peace in my heart. There is no longer the restless, demonic monster within me. There is no longer the dark chamber. It has been filled with light.

Let us go back the the title. Sorry for such a long detour.

I remembered to serve as His humble servant if He makes me believe. I remembered how I prayed that I would serve Him if only He could show Himself to me. Now that I am a believer, I want to honour that promise, so I thought of ways to serve Him. Then, on a fateful chance excursion to Kim's blog, I read about the ministry. Something told me, Bingo! This is it!

To make it simple I shall quote a chapter from Bible - Matthew 25.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

You see, Jesus wants us to do good to our fellow brothers and sisters. It is reason enough for me to do what I want to do. I intend to set up a charitable organisation to serve the needy. I want to help those in need, those that are powerless and those who deserve better. Since I am going to be a doctor in the future (God willing), I think I could put the skills to a good use. I want to set up a foundation if it grows bigger. Then we could collaborate with existing charitable societies and organisations. What makes it different is the approach. Most people are indifferent about doing good. What Kim intends to do is a channel for people to come and help, be it in little ways or big ways. We would organise a lot of events and people could just drop by to see what they could do in their capacity. Say, we would want to build an orphanage. People could volunteer to chip in some donation, or donate some furniture, or come and help to run the place when they're free. We could also help with existing organisation, for example, The Kejara Soup Kitchen. Maybe we could recruit some young volunteers from youth fellowship to help out on the weekends or holidays.

Do you see where I am getting to?

It is just an idea, a wild, far-fetched idea. Yet my heart tells me, someday, I am going to do it in His name. There is so much injustice and so many needy people in this world. Everyone is so indifferent. Could there be not some grace, some compassion, some love? We are human in essence. If we could not help ourselves, then who are we in the universe?

I have set my mind on the mission. Even if it seems so impossible, but I am sure we could do it. People might think: "You so free ah, go and do charity?" or "You won't make it laaa" but I just have the faith.

And so, I have told of my dream. It is a sketchy idea but I am trying to get a clear picture of it. Right now Kimberley is going to Australia soon and I am going to Czech Republic next year (if God wills it). So we are putting the dream on hold. Yet I will not give up or forsake the dream.

On 12th December 2008, I became a believer. God is all-encompassing, eternal and full of love.


John 3:16 - For God so loved the world He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.