I have a dream..

Dramatic title, one might say. Yet I could not think of anything better to describe the total submission to God, to serve as His humble servant. Below I shall attempt to describe my testimony of experiencing Him.

Warning: Don't read it if you think this article is not your cup of tea.

Recently my dear friend Kimberley wrote on her blog that she wants to set up a ministry where it could serve as a platfrom for volunteers to drop by to find anything that they could contribute and help in their own time and capacity. Read it all here. Personally I think it is a great idea. Like what she said, indifference is what makes people who do not really care from people who devote themselves to do good work.

Now, let me ask you a question: What is your purpose of living?

Is it to continue the endless cycle of studying, getting a degree, working, earning a living, marrying someone, raising a family, retiring and dying? Like almost every reasonable person on Earth does?
Is it because you do not have much choice anyway?
Is it because we are destined to be born here on Earth, so let's just screw it and live life as meaningfully as possible?
Or like the famous Agent Smith of The Matrix Trilogy puts it: " The purpose of life is to end. " ?

I've been trying to find an answer to that question for quite a number of years, and everytime I get closer to an answer I'm suddenly confused and lost again. Do you know the feeling of wanting to say something and then something distracts you, then when you want to remember what it is but then you couldn't? It is frustrating and annoying, is it not?

Then recently, I had an eureka moment, like the moment when you suddenly remember what you want to say and you continue chatting happily. The moment that changed everything.

I kept coming to a dead end when trying to answer my own question. Why do we even exist? Why do we live? Why? God, tell me. Tell me! That was what I did, for quite a number of years.

I had a dream in Form One (2003). I dreamt of a place, a bright place full of mist. There was nothing else, only white clouds and mist. Then I saw a man in white robes. He had shoulder-length auburn brown hair and a perfectly good complexion. A face of justice, of love, of mercy, of everlasting grace. I didn't know who He was. He dipped His hands in a bowl of oil held by a winged servant, and placed His two fingers on my forehead. In short, He annointed me. Then He said: "Welcome to the family."

I woke up feeling dazed. I didn't know what the dream meant. I was sceptical of myself, and I remembered thinking: Whoa, did that just happen? Nay, its only a dream. I thought I might have made the dream up.

I heard of the Gospel since Form Two (2004). Back then, being a cynical and sometimes sarcastic person, I would scoff and try to debate with my friend Samantha when she tried to tell me the Divine Truth, the Good News. Back then I was annoyed with how Christians seemingly try to reject other people's faiths and proclaim theirs is the righteous path. Now I know the reason why. Funny how when you look at things through different viewpoints, things that seem so one-sided suddenly becomes whole and wonderful.

Moving on.

In Form Four (2006), another friend Kimberley (this one being different from Kimberley Ngu, the one who had the whole ministry idea thing) gave me a bible and asked me to read it. Read it, I did. Little by little my heart opened, and I told Him: "Okay, if You're really THE One, prove it." Sometimes, I prayed. Sometimes, I totally forgot about Him. At times of great difficulties, when the odds are stacked against me and I felt breathless, I prayed for help. Then I forgot about Him again.

Now that I think of it, not a single one of my prayer went unanswered. He was always there. ALWAYS.

Then, during Form Five (2007), my faith in everything wavered. I forsook the belief in ancient Chinese deities. I forgot about Him either. I did not want to be tied down to anything. I thought back then, why believe in anything as long as you try to be a good person? So I lived a life of apparent freedom, of not believing in anything. I tried desperately to reach out to Him, desperate for a contact. I remember how I prayed desperately for something. I remembered saying to Him: God, if you really want me to believe in You, show me a sign, guide me. Show me a miracle. Give me a guide. Show me the way. Just, answer me! Please! Answer meeeeeeee.... He never did. So I threw up my arms in disbelief and gave up. I thought, what a scam. Yet something told me that in the end, I would have to change my mind.

During my stint in National Service (2008), they took us to the Buddhist temple every Sunday (I decided to follow and see what Buddhism is really like). I like it the premise of Buddhism, of the all encompassing compassion and everlasting wisdom of Buddha. I started to live like I had a faith. I started to see things the Buddhist way - compassion, tolerance and ideal merits. It went on until I was offered JPA scholarship. Off I go to Kolej Teknologi Timur.

I guess it all started in KTT. God works in mysterious ways. He led me back to Him at the most unusual place (isolated KTT), in the most unexpected of times. I started going to Christian fellowship, more so as courtesy rather than actually wanting to go myself. Since most of the time my friends were going as well, it felt rather un-gentleman-like not to attend.

I found out that Christians are not what I thought of them to be. They were not arrogant (though some might be) and they were not suspicious of people from other faiths. In fact, they were generous, friendly, warm and kind. Christians really do treat strangers as family, but of course it applies to where, when and whom are we talking about. So slowly, I opened my heart to listen to different ideas. Of why they believe God and why they do the things they do. I understood the passion. I understood why they so desperately want to try to tell people of the Gospel, of the Good News. (because God so loves us, He sent His only Son to die for us. We shall have everlasting life if we believe, if we just believe. How wonderful!)

Then one night, that fateful night, something happened. On 12th of December 2008, I stayed for a while to help arrange the chairs after another fellowship meeting. Some of the commitee members stayed as well. We had a prayer session. We sat in a circle. Every one prayed. I started feeling an undescribable feeling. A feeling of regret. Of guilt. Of great glory and power. I didn't understand it. When it came to my turn, I doubted how I could muster the strength to speak to Him after so long. I prayed out loud for the first time. It was a strange feeling, of how one could speak without thinking. It felt like my lips were not mine. Then my mental defences crumbled and I shook, and tears came streaming down from my eyes like torrents of rain. I couldn't do anything to control it. I felt like a sinful child who faces his father, like a child who's crying and afraid. I felt as if the father faces me sternly and said,"Where have you been? I've been waiting for so long!" He was stern yet kind. Then as a loving father he embraced the child. That's what I felt. I felt a rush of grace, of everlasting love that fills my soul. So I shook and trembled and cried for who knows how long. Cried in joy. Tears of relief.

After that experience, I knew that God is really there, He's been patiently guiding me, He's been patiently showing me the way. I was so lucky to be given the scholarship. I was so lucky to be at KTT. I was so lucky to be there where there were so many brothers and sisters who led me and guided my way. He showed me the way, one step at a time. He blessed my life with abundance - I have a loving family, true friends and now, a life with purpose. A life with a direction.

Remember the dream I had? Jesus told me I am going to be part of His family. When I remembered the dream some time ago, I was filled with such wonder and joy. He had told me in advance that everything will be alright.

So now, I live life with purpose. Knowing full well that everything has been planned for me, I no longer have the doubts about life. Whenever I am studying and toiling, I no longer think "what the hell is all this for? A medical degree? A life as a doctor? Is it even worth it?". I no longer brush off simple things that are often overlooked. For I have Him as my guide. Ever since that night, there is a great peace in my heart. There is no longer the restless, demonic monster within me. There is no longer the dark chamber. It has been filled with light.

Let us go back the the title. Sorry for such a long detour.

I remembered to serve as His humble servant if He makes me believe. I remembered how I prayed that I would serve Him if only He could show Himself to me. Now that I am a believer, I want to honour that promise, so I thought of ways to serve Him. Then, on a fateful chance excursion to Kim's blog, I read about the ministry. Something told me, Bingo! This is it!

To make it simple I shall quote a chapter from Bible - Matthew 25.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

You see, Jesus wants us to do good to our fellow brothers and sisters. It is reason enough for me to do what I want to do. I intend to set up a charitable organisation to serve the needy. I want to help those in need, those that are powerless and those who deserve better. Since I am going to be a doctor in the future (God willing), I think I could put the skills to a good use. I want to set up a foundation if it grows bigger. Then we could collaborate with existing charitable societies and organisations. What makes it different is the approach. Most people are indifferent about doing good. What Kim intends to do is a channel for people to come and help, be it in little ways or big ways. We would organise a lot of events and people could just drop by to see what they could do in their capacity. Say, we would want to build an orphanage. People could volunteer to chip in some donation, or donate some furniture, or come and help to run the place when they're free. We could also help with existing organisation, for example, The Kejara Soup Kitchen. Maybe we could recruit some young volunteers from youth fellowship to help out on the weekends or holidays.

Do you see where I am getting to?

It is just an idea, a wild, far-fetched idea. Yet my heart tells me, someday, I am going to do it in His name. There is so much injustice and so many needy people in this world. Everyone is so indifferent. Could there be not some grace, some compassion, some love? We are human in essence. If we could not help ourselves, then who are we in the universe?

I have set my mind on the mission. Even if it seems so impossible, but I am sure we could do it. People might think: "You so free ah, go and do charity?" or "You won't make it laaa" but I just have the faith.

And so, I have told of my dream. It is a sketchy idea but I am trying to get a clear picture of it. Right now Kimberley is going to Australia soon and I am going to Czech Republic next year (if God wills it). So we are putting the dream on hold. Yet I will not give up or forsake the dream.

On 12th December 2008, I became a believer. God is all-encompassing, eternal and full of love.


John 3:16 - For God so loved the world He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.

Of painful arse and ice skating

Anyway, me and my siblings have been having great fun shopping for clothes these few days. Shopping malls offer incredible deals in a bid to outdo each other. Apparently the period after Christmas and New Year is the best time of the year to shop. B.U.M shirts for just RM15, a decent wool Diesel jacket for RM44, jeans for RM49 (!!!) to name a few. I think my sister and brother spent quite a few hundred ringgit on me alone (yes, I did not pay a single cent out of my pockets, bless them for being such generous) for my clothes. Personally I have not had such a great experience where one just walks for hours on end, searching for deals and grabbing whatever one could find and pay for. So in just two days' time, we scoured One Utama, Midvalley Megamall, Suria KLCC and Sunway Pyramid for clothes, clothes and more clothes. What a blast! My feet hurt. My arse is bloody painful too. Before you fail to see the connection between painful arse and RM15 T-shirts, let me recount my first experience at ice skating. Yes, we tried ice skating at the ice skating rink at Sunway Pyramid.

Let's just say, it wasn't as easy as I thought, it was terribly difficult, it was really bloody slippery on the ice, and I slipped and fell many more times than I could as much as slide 2 inches without grabbing on anything. At first I didn't, which was a bad choice, because the feeling of wildly flailing your arms and kicking your legs pathetically in a bid to stop yourself from falling (which is stupid, really, ice has nil friction) is really numbing and paralysing. Even when I held on to the side wall and tried to move forward, my feet would inevitably do the Irish jig again and off I go, waving frantically before catapulting in a splendid, graceful 'thud' that made the surrounding people go 'Ouch!' (people, its my arse, not yours).

I fell many times. How embarassing. I wonder how those people make it seem so easy, gliding like graceful swans over a blue crystal lake. They would weave in and out of the main crowd, swerve in a beautiful arch and make impressive moves that make people stare and pick their jaws off the rink.

In the end I decided to circle the rink for just 3 times before calling it quits. I decided I am just not cut out for ice skating. I would sooner learn ice skating than monkeys taking over the world. My back and arse aches and it is bloody painful to even sit down. Dang.

Moving on.

I suddenly have an urge to write something long. I shall do it in the next post.

Australia = awesome!

I have nothing much to post about, so I shall keep it short.

Australia, starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, is an awesome, mind-blowing movie. At the very least, it really is a movie of epic proportions and does portray Australia as a rough yet romantic country. The story premise is carefully balanced to include subtle messages of Australia's darker secret - the forceful removal of Aboriginal children from their native land and integrating them into the white society - while at the same expressing the raw love a lady has for her non-biological son and the romance between two seemingly incompatible people - a rowdy yet charming drover and a prim-and-proper English lady.

Nicole Kidman delivered a stellar performance as Lady Sarah Ashley, as expected, while Hugh Jackman did The Drover justice by portraying a free-spirited drover who is smitten by the lady. The story basically revolves around how Lady Ashley goes to Australia to save her cattle estate from taken over by a scheming business mogul and along the way, it includes the aboriginal flavour by casting Brandon Walters as young Nullah, an energetic young Aborigine boy who also plays an integral part in the film. From an apparently simple plot, the film evolves suddenly towards the middle end part and takes an unexpected twist when the Japanese attacked Darwin. It is then when heroism takes centre stage and the theme of love is expressed strongly.

I highly recommend this film, not only for the excellent acting, good storyline and interesting message, but also for the fact that it is one of the rare gems of movies that can make a lasting impression.

Yes, yes, yes!

No, I know what you're thinking. That is not what you think it is. It is definitely not the moans of someone in the throes of passion. Revolting, that is.

Well, its Christmas and KTT decided to grant us a much needed reprieve from the A2 (horribly difficult but strangely addictive). We have holidays all the way until new year! That is, if you do not consider the fact that we have to go back on 30th and 31st for 2 Physics period. What a shame, otherwise it would've been a 11-holiday for us. Gasp! That's longer than Chinese New Year and mid-semester holiday!

Life goes on. Anyway, just went to The Curve with my sister. Initially I wanted to join the countdown event but decided against it due to the swelling crowd and foul-smelling air. I bought 2 music CD's and a book - The Case for a Creator. Wonderful read, highly recommended for all of you out there who are sceptics of His presence and demand a scientific and logical explanation of why we think God exists. Its a good buy, perfect for the occassion - for tomorrow is Christmas! Rejoice for He who is King of Kings was born on this day! I am still amazed by His grace. If chance presents itself, I shall blog about it and tell of my testimony of His greatness some other time.

Well my sister and I watched a movie - Yes Man, starring Jim Carrey (which explains the blog title). In my humble opinion, its one of those comedy gems that will get you laughing and guffawing througout the duration of the movie.

In this movie, Jim Carrey stars as Carl Allen, who always says 'no' to things and makes up excuses. In short, he wasn't living a life he should've lived. That is, until he went to a motivational talk and starts challenging himself to say 'yes' to everything. Life for Carl takes a sharp turn as opportunities he never had before starts knocking at his doorstep and Carl suddenly finds himself attracted to a free spirit, Allison. The ending is as good as the start of the movie, where the plot eventually builds up into the climax, twists and turns (albeit rather ridiculously) into the conflict part and ends with a bang. I'd say this is one of Jim Carrey's best performance ever, ever since "Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind". Zooey Deschanel was stellar as Allison, Carl's love interest. She was stunningly beautiful in the movie and managed to portray an adventurous girl who loves to do spontaneous things. In a nutshell, Yes Man comes off as a very good comedy with all the right amount of elements thrown in - hilarious antics (and I mean, really hilarious), interesting plot and professional actors. Highly recommended :)

I'll stop blogging now. I need to transfer some music into my new iPod. Speaking of which, my sister gave me one for Christmas! (Actually I asked her to help me buy one, since there was a promotion - RM299 for iPod Nano 4GB.) I've been wanting one for ages. Finally I have one!

Time to start fiddling with it.. Thank you, Lord!

Going back to a life of peace, tranquility and books.

I'm going back soon. In 6 hours, my life would go back to what it has been for the past 5 months. Endless reading and re-reading of books. Constant revision of past year papers. My world has been revolving around nothing but the thought of passing AS. I don't even know the results yet, but soon the whole lot of us would be studying A2 already.

Endless grind of books. Somehow it takes things off my mind. Even though it is tough, life is simpler when you have nothing to do save for revising lessons and reading. There's no classroom politics, no backstabbing, no emotional friendship drama, no stupid puppy love scenarios, no regrets.

I managed to spend time with old friends during the 1-measly-week-holiday. If you call that a holiday. It didn't feel like it, for all I know. There's just this unexplained weariness and grief, bordering on dread. It has been growing on my mind ever since the holiday started, sort of like how weeds grow unchecked in a beautiful flower garden. The thoughts clouded my mind and rendered me exhausted. Yet exhausted of what, I know not. It feels like I'm weary of everything. Exhausted, in essence and in soul.

Words can't describe what I intend to express. It would be two months before I come back again. Sigh.

Lyrical emotions.

Feelings that feel almost lyrical in nature, as memories stir themselves up from the deep slumber in the catacombs of my endless void. As I sit listening to The Fray and typing away, I cannot help but feel nostalgic. Suddenly there is this gush of sheer sadness, borne out of nothing and without reason. I cannot find the answer to it.

Why such reckless sadness? Perhaps I should not listen to such music so often.

Speaking of which, these few days I've been busy bringing three of my friends from KTT for a short trip around Kuching. We arrived here at around 6 p.m. Then we went to walk around the Golden Triangle area near Riverfront. Yesterday morning we went to the cultural village near Damai beach. It was quite worth it, entrance fee being RM15 and all. We went to Jalan Song at night. This morning was spent visiting the Sarawak Museum and the handicraft shops fronting the river (forgot what's the road's name). Then, sent them off at airport. All was well. I think our friendship was strengthened somewhat, feeling that I know them better now.. It was a good experience. Priceless memories too..

I guess I just suddenly realised how fragile friendship is. Though one might nurture it like a young sapling and it might have endured countless storms, chances are that one day, out of neglect, the young tree shall wither. Then imagine the agony that would arise - its magnitude would be beyond words. Then there's the inevitable situation where friendships become mere passing acknowledgement of each others' existence, just because of distance. On the other hand, there is also the inevitable withering of many friendships when my A level course finishes. Hard and ugly truth is, we will not be sent to the same university. God knows what would happen then. Start life anew? Life goes on? That would pretty much be what I would say were not for my coming of age into a whole new future.

I have learnt that friendships aren't something you take for granted and can just ignore. Over the past 5 months I have learned that some things in life may appear less than their worth. So one moment you might be laughing along with them, sharing their joys and all, then suddenly the next moment you are all alone, thinking: what happens when we part? When we pour out the effort to nurture something from scratch, a part of us hopes it would grow into something meaningful and could be part of our lives. Yet when the circumstances do not allow it, it could be reduced to ashes.

Call me emotional and too romantic (not the lovey dovey sense) for my own good, but seriously, if one is human enough, such questions inevitably arise. Gone are the days when I would think that I can survive on my own, that life goes on. I would pull a mask of defiance over my real face, and over the years I have perfected the art of not caring and in the process became immune to such petty issues. Living in KTT changed the way I perceive life. There's more to life than withdrawing into your own coccoon and not caring. For all of us are humans. In the end we tend to stick together to others, we tend to share joy and pain and we tend to huddle together in the dark. We tend to look for some sign of reassurance when we are confused while treading on the path towards the unknown. Knowing full well that studying medicine would pretty much rip apart our social lives in the future, we look at each other and ask: " Is this worth it? Why are we even here?"

Even though the answer eludes most of us, we know that we are not alone in thinking about that. That is how my deeper understanding of life came about - from the most basic of human interaction that fills our daily lives, our understanding of friendship gradually shapes itself into something substantial that can be grasped.

Friends are those who are equally confused as you are as you walk along the path of life. Friends are the people, whom you know for only months, celebrate your birthday with grandeur and go to the extent of springing a trap, preparing and pouring smelly gooey stuff on you just to celebrate your coming of age, of finally becoming 18. Friends are people who walk alongside you, who, in their togetherness of one ultimate aim, become comrade-in-arms with you. Inevitably they would part to carry on their own seperate paths.

As I waved goodbye to my friends when I sent them off at the airport, I suddenly felt heavy blows of anguish, pain beyond words. Be it imagination (I really hope it is) or some premonition of things yet to come, I realised that would be how it would feel like when the day arrives.

***

That is exactly why such sadness evolved from the mere thought of parting, because, in essence, I am a human again. And being human subjects me to sorrow.

I'm back.. finally.

The feelings can't be described by words. Its just.. amazing. Two words sum it up:

I'm home.

Too dazed to blog, will update soon.

And he can't hold off the temptation..

Temptation to blog, I might add. It has been almost one month since the last post (which drew quite a bit of, well, attention to my 'standard of English' ) and I intended to starve myself of Internet for a month, effectively trying to do an Internet fasting period. Lord knows how I suffered. Yet, life hasn't been all dreadful to me here. The longer one stays here in this isolated college, the more life's simple things seem more obvious.

Being the romanticist I am, sometimes things that were taken for granted can jump out at you and make you breathless. Even more so when one has been living for nothing but studies and the ultimate aim of just surviving it all. Speaking of surviving, the Advanced Subsidiary examination was.. daunting? Too early to say still, since we have only covered 5 papers, with 4 more to go. The last two papers for me were disastrous. Sickening and not at all up to par. Makes me cringe everytime I think of the stupid mistakes I made. Bleargh.

I can't wait to go back to Kuching. Speaking of which, some of my friends are going over for a little trip to see Kuching for the first time. Estella and I shall be their tour guides of sorts.

I miss Sarawak laksa so damn much.

I miss my friends at Kuching too. The crazy dudes and dudettes. The good old days. Alas, some things are not meant to last. Memories that linger between the undefined boundary of oblivion and eternity float like a petty wooden boat in the middle of a raging sea. Raging sea of clashing emotions and regrets.

4 more papers to go. I will get through this.



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He panted and tried to catch his breath. His heart beat like a violent war drum, unceasing and ever forceful. His vision was clearer. Everything appeared to move slower and even Time itself seemed to lag. The adrenaline rush had been a boon. Had it been otherwise, he might have been slain, just like that, in the midst of the Plains of Norgrod.

They had been ambushed by a marauding platoon of Krugs. Those vile creatures - warlike, barbaric and vicious, living a life of savagery, sworn enemies of the Empire. Nobody knows where they came from. The mystics at the arcane sanctum of Arnorminas knew enough that they had a primal instinct for dominance and went to war under the guidance of a shadowy patriarchal figure. The people knew enough that when they came, they left only a trail of destruction behind. The soldiers knew enough that in battle, they have to rely on their wits and muster every ounce of courage and strength to survive. For these Krugs are born warriors, their eyes shone with bloodlust, their armours thick, shields broad and axes deadly.

It was a fact he had to learn the hard way. The lesson was reinforced and hammered into his head once again when he looked down. Only then did he realise the agonising pain in his upper arm. Had it not been for the rerebrace and pauldron, his whole left arm would have been sliced clean off his shoulder joint. His right thigh bled from an arrow that managed to punch a hole right through the coat of chainmail. He groaned, reached down and pulled it out. This one wasn't poisoned, he thought as he examined it. Not many in the army had his good luck then.

The rest were treading carefully around the bodies and discarded weapons. None had fallen. Good. They were not supposed to fall like toy soldiers that easily. It was what the training was for. Some recovered useful materials. The others piled the dead Krugs into a heap.

"Burn everything, do not leave anything behind. These Krugs are resourceful." he ordered the men. "We shall move out by nightfall. Those of you who are wounded, patch yourselves up and rest lightly. We have to move quickly. The fire would draw the rest from the mountains, if indeed they are intending to push southwest into the outlying villages. We do not want our heads rolling on the fields now, do we?" That drew some laughters from the men. Spirits were high, their morale undented.

That night, under the rare soft beam of the full moon, they marched on ahead, leaving behind a burnt, smoking pile. They held their heads high, fearless, even as the distant sound of the dreaded wardrums closed in behind them.

Storm is brewing..

As he sat on the silent stone steps of the fortress, he gazed into the far distance, where the sky was eternally darkened by a malice so intent, it tainted the northern sky black. A flash of lightning lit the sky, briefly revealing a wide field of nothingness. Here, he sat, contemplating the future that awaits him. It was so quiet. It was the calm before the storm.

Storm.. A storm is brewing. With it, a furious gale of unforgiving force of terror will rip apart anyone foolish enough to enter it unprepared.

He still remembered. How he, among thousands others, thousands of the best soldiers from the Empire's army were chosen for the elite fighting force. An elite fighting force so renown all over the Empire that it became a dream for every soldier to be part of it. He had friends who failed to be chosen. Yet when the official scroll of appointment came, he was a tad surprised to see that he, along 25 other soldiers of different creed, would be sent to garrison an outpost far in the cold, dark northern reaches of the Empire. An outpost so notorious for its distance from civilisation, only a handful were posted there. In his heart, he thought.. why the tiny troop? 26? Suicidal, considering the dangers that would be faced by them when they travel the perilous journey to garrison their new posts.

A soft breeze ruffled his hair, bringing him back to reality. He blinked, let out a slow sigh and looked down. His armour is heavy. His sword is dull. His shield, scarred from countless battles, rested against the stone steps. His leather gauntlets, embellished with the Empire's royal seal and coat-of-arms of the elite army, reminded him how he had surrendered the coming years under a voluntary service, all for the glory of the Empire. Was it worth it?

He remembered how being part of the elite army was all he ever wanted. Of course it was worth it.

He looked upwards and saw the glimpse of a raven, circling high above him. Closing his eyes, he suddenly recalled the first day he stepped into the barracks, where he would be spending the next 9 months undergoing a series of grueling and harsh training to prepare for his ultimate assignment. Together with hundreds others of new recruits, he would eat, sleep, and train in the isolated barracks. They had a nasty name for that place. He couldn't remember.. it had something to do with isolation..

He remembered the first day they were gathered in front of the Field Marshal and countless other captains. They had only words of warning and not one looked too happy nor proud. They knew that not all can survive out here.

"You do or you die. You have been chosen not out of your merits, not because you deserve the honour to serve as an elite soldier. You are here to prove your worth. Fail it, you're gone. No matter how many enemies you've killed, how many battles you've endured, no matter how high your ranks were in the army, in here, you're nobody."

Not a single one who didn't shudder at the thought then. He, for one, have not the slightest inkling of how harsh the training would be. All the thought of pride, of honour of being chosen, vanished. It was not what he thought it would be. It was far from it. It was, in a sense, hellish.

A sudden rumble of thunder brought him back out of his reverie. He opened his eyes, stifled a yawn and stood up clumsily. Armour be damned.. but such is the rule. They, the chosen 26, had to adhere by the strict code. They had to undergo the harshest training since they were posted to the northern frontier. He didn't know much about the others who trained alongside them, a much larger platoon of 60. Word was the rest were going to head south.

He felt sleepy. Aching all over from the sparring tests last week, he and his comrades had a few days off to rest before the actual perilous journey. He gazed northwards again. Storm is coming, he kept thinking. In 3 weeks' they would have to traverse the rugged terrain, bracing icy gale, holding on to dear life. It would be the hardest journey they ever took.

He stretched. The bell rang, signalling the switching of guard duty. He turned back and heard metal clinking. Immediately, he saw Xuyin, an talented sword-fighter and excellent archer who was probably the best among the 26. He never saw her being tired. She was always vigilant, always ready, eyes shining and face stern. Knowledgeable and wise. He paled in comparison.

He gave her a curt nod, she nodded back. He clambered up the steps, dreading the routine sparring practice and war skills they would have to undergo for the final time before embarking from the barracks. 3 more weeks before the bloody storm. Damn it.

Yet, with each step, his steely resolve began to surge through his blood. His heart is set with an unstoppable determination, not unlike those of his comrades:

I shall survive the storm. I have to. I will.

With one last look northwards at the dark sky, he trod lightly through the silent training ground.

Life's simple surprises.

Life. Its so filled with subtle surprises that you never tire of getting high just living it out.

Today, everybody was so excited. Even though its not our last paper for the Pre-AS exam, almost everyone (in my class, that is) cannot sit/stand still because we're gonna be free for almost 5 days after the paper. The session lasted for 1 hour (by jolly, thank goodness almost everything came out from past year paper) so we rushed back to our apartments, grabbed our bags (which were already packed yesterday) and everybody else literally ran to the van, eager to go home. All except me. Make no mistake, cause I'm not going home, and I'm not taking the van. Lol my sister came to fetch me and I'll be staying here, at her apartment for the short 'holiday'. So here I am, typing happily away at her laptop, content with the decent Internet connection. Compared to KTT's 'Wi-Fi' which could've been a Stone Age technology pioneered by the Flintstones, this is sheer bliss.

Anyway, back to the topic. Life.. sheer bliss.

What have I learned for the past 2 months? The experience, of course, is invaluable.

- I learned to appreciate Physics. (GASP!)
- I learned not to rush into things.
- I learned to think and not let emotions dictate my thoughts. (it could really be disastrous)
- I learned that when people are put together, with the same purpose and same aim, bonds of unbreakable friendship can be forged.

I don't know how others feel about my last point. Maybe they don't feel the same way. I have no idea. Yet, whenever I see them laughing, joking about stupid things, enduring the same lectures by the same lecturers, fighting through the challenges together, and whenever I step into a classroom and seeing their faces, I always tell myself: this is where I wanna be. I won't not trade them for the world. Seriously. There's this special feeling of attachment I feel for them all. Perhaps it is possible, considering they're gonna be my pillar of strength for the next 6 years, so far away from home.

I suddenly thought of the guys who live one floor below my apartment. Of the fond memories: where Kian Joo would burst into songs at every fixed intervals and his voice would be heard upstairs, where we would huddle together at the balcony and ogle at girls passing below on the road, where we would joke about stupid things.. Lol.

Life could throw simple surprises at you too. Take for example the fact that Kim Moo Moo sent an e-mail to me. Gosh, she's one of my best girl pal and I miss her. So imagine my delight and pleasant surprise to see the e-mail. Lol. Even though she's having an 'Internet fasting period' which I think is ridiculous in a biblical sense of proportion.

OMG I forgot to hand in the IELTS assignment to our lecturer. Shit. LOL that's so totally random.

Back to life's simple surprises. Oh yeah, a dear dear friend of mine said something just now which was, well, unexpected but it was.. sweet I guess. o.O

Suddenly, life's surprises don't seem that simple anymore. 8D I really wonder how on good earth things like that could happen. Maybe I'm not used to it, but who knows what the future holds. o.O

Oh I watched The Dark Knight just now with my sister. I enjoy watching the Joker. For once, a villain on screen had the sheer impact on me that I literally shuddered when he first opened his mouth to speak. Heath Ledger was TOP-NOTCH. I bet my ass NO ONE can beat that stellar performance as Joker. Seriously. He was SUPERB. The only other actor who, in my humble opinion, can exude such character on screen is Johnny Depp. Too bad Ledger is.. gone. *sob* oh yeah, I heard Johnny Depp's gonna be pulled in to be cast as the next villain in the third Batman film. HELL YEAH BABE!!!! He's gonna be The Riddler alongside another villain. Christian Bale will be Batman and Sir Michael Cane as the same old lovable butler (they are both awesome in their characters). I look forward to the film.

Speaking of which, I saw the trailer for Harry Potter's upcoming film. Forgot what's the name. Then again, I think my enthusiasm for HP has waned somewhat. Not was exciting as before. I demand something that stirs the intellect, or something that is no-brainer yet enormously fun. Nothing of the sort of in-between.

Running out of ideas..

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm here, studying A-levels, enduring it all just to be able to pass and go to Czech. Why medicine? Why? I could've chosen accountancy, or economics. I could've opted for petroleum engineering when I applied for Petronas. From what I gathered, many of my classmates think I should've gone for something business-related, not least due to the fact that I LOOK and TALK like a businessman, which is.. ==" SWT. but but.. why medicine??

Why?

No matter what people plan, things turn out to be not exactly the same way they planned it. Like The Joker in the film. He's the element of Chaos, out of which FEAR itself is created. No planning, no systematic and meticulous organising.. just plain.. headlong, bang boom goodbye. Amazing. Its the same in life. No matter what you plan, things.. never seem to go they way you planned. So it leads on to the thought that, you are MEANT to do something and its etched, somewhere, that its your destiny to tread that path. Karmic laws and the whole shebang, bla bla bla. I won't go into details.



Then again, why? lol..

Updates galore!

Not much of galore, now that I think of it. Since my last update, life has been busy. Most of my days were occupied with constant revision, study, revision, eat, sleep, study, and pretty much nothing else.

Occasionally we would go jog together and go up a nearby hill with a huge water tank on top. Then we would climb it, even though its a prohibited place (government facility) with barbed wires and locked gates and the whole shebang. We had lots of fun time up there together, with the wind in our faces and the sense of achievement filling our hearts, feeling adventurous and mischievious at the same time. Lol 8D

I really need to post a huge, one-time post about our 'adventures' here. Priceless memories..

Nothing much to say.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention that we're having exam. Pre-AS. It is a preparatory exam for us, prepping us for the real big mad thing next month. It's still not over yet, but the bulk of the difficult papers have passed. Luckily they weren't that hard. Slowly catching up with the pace.. o.O

And I learnt not to compete with others. Here, where everyone is as good or as bad as you are, to compete is tantamount to putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. The only one I need to beat is myself. I'm thankful enough if I can pass AS level with 3A's and get a good placement in Czech Republic.

No need compete. No need compete. No need compete.. I have a dear friend to thank for hammering that message into my head. 8D

Looking forward to Wednesday. I'll go to my sister's place and stay for a few days before coming back. Precious few days, a treasured holiday of sorts from this... place.

Till then, c ya..

Of cold water and crumbling self-esteem

Silence. It permeates the very air, it penetrates the brick and mortar walls of this isolated college, far from humanity, far from civilisation. Loneliness stabs the mortal heart, pierces it with the screaming agony of realisation of reality.

Everybody's gone. Everybody. Where have they gone?

Pardon the emo-ish intro. I wanted to try my hand at writing quality prose so this is a good practice.

As to the introduction, the silence part was very much a truth. India-bound students get to go back to their homes on account of the holiday (mid-semester break) while the 1 year programme students don't have such priviledges. Again, its one of the long list of disadvantages of being in the 1-year programme. Its not that I complain though. Reality sucks and it can whack you in the head, running away and laugh mockingly at times. The college is now more than half-empty. The silence pierces everything. It used to be quite noisy even up till midnight because the cafe is right in front of my apartment, so the noise can easily reach up to the 2nd floor. Now its only 8.50 p.m. and there's not a single sound of laughter/jeer/noise/whatever.

Plus, its Hungry Ghost Festival. OmGwTfBbQ.

Speaking of which, yesterday and today our test papers were handed back to us. What came as a surprise was the fact that I totally failed Chemistry. I was putting high hopes on it, but it turned out that I did lots of silly and stupid careless mistakes. WtF.. I THINK I flunked it, what with the college's passing mark being 76 and above if I'm not mistaken. Freakin' 76, what, does the college think we're freakin' robots that are designed to get bloody 120 marks for the first ever test? Then again, its good for us. Pretty effective shock therapy, I'd say. On second thought, shit la. I was aghast. Impossible! Chemistry was one of my best subjects. To flunk it does wonders for one's self esteem, the situation of which is worsened by the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by antisocial robots who eats books for breakfast. o.O

Luckily I scored 92 for Biology. It didn't help my self-esteem though, highest mark was 96. Plus, lots of people scored more than 90 (which is grade A according to the college's standard).

Major boo-hoo.

I feel numbed from the constant reminders the lecturers hurl at us. Top of the list: don't fool around. Focus. Don't fool around. Do the past year papers. Don't play play. Do lots of practise. Don't lose focus. Don't find trouble. Don't play. Don't shit, don't eat, don't crap, don't breathe. Don't don't don't.

Oh, Mr. Zaini did wonders for my whole class's self esteem by making a remark which left us gasping for breath and some even fainted:

"Your class's Physics is hopeless."

oMgWtFbBq.. o.O .. T.T

No hope. Sickening. Vomit blood. I literally heard the earth-shattering noise of crumbling confidence then.


LOL 8DDDDDD I'm doomed. Wahahahahahhaahahhahahahahhahahahha....

And I'm out of me mind. Macam taik!.. T.T

Post exam limbo

The past week had been pretty uneventful, except for the fact that we had our first exam. Thank goodness it was only an internal mid semester exam. Yet, I felt a little apprehensive and doubt that I could do well. First paper was Biology, followed by Chemistry and Physics. The tests took place over the course of 3 days, with 1 paper on each day. Interesting point to note: since we're in the SAP (super accelerated programme, LOL I made the term up myself :P) we had to take the exam at night. Ain't that cool or what.

Bio was okay.. Chemistry was challenging but I guess I can survive it.. the acid test came the day Physics was tested. We were told the exam would only cover until Dynamics, as far as Newton's Laws of Motion. Out came crap like conservation of momentum and definitions of the laws where we had to explain all sorts of bloody crap and draw up equations. What la weih, our lectureres haven't even reached there.. ==" not putting high hopes on the subject. Bluek. Sidenote: Kian Joo thinks he can't do well in any of the subjects. He asked me to type this sentence because he's right behind me now. =_=

I was pretty excited when my sister's graduation day drew near, but too bad I can't attend it. My parents came over from Sarawak, so I got the chance to go to KL on Friday. Such a short time spent with family, but very well worth it. Missed 2 days of revision but I think I can compensate for it in these couple of days. Lagging far too behind compared to the rest of my group. Swt la.. they're so chiong and si beh rajin.. what the.. omgwtfbbq.. I shall not compare with them. Beating my own self is the ultimate aim. Wahaha..

Speaking of which, I think my English standard is deteriorating, slowly but surely. Notice how much my English changed especially the way I blog? Maybe its not so obvious because I talk crap when I blog. I'm afraid I couldn't produce high-quality essays with bombastic and fantastic words peppered with good prose when the time calls for it - the IELTS exam next year. Swt.. I can't think in abstract terms and come up with flowery, chim chim stuff anymore. ARghhhHHH. Stewpid. Blame it on A-levels. 8D

Gah. Nothing much to say.. That's it for now.




p.s. I MISS SARAWAK LAKSA!!!!!!!!!!!
p.s.s I MISS MY SARAWAK FRIENDS!!! If you're reading this, you know who you are. =)

Aloha~

Bluek.. exam in 3 days. OMGWTFBBQ feel like no matter how hard I study, nothing is getting in. Probably because all the stuff is almost similar to the things we learnt in Form 5.

Sien. Life in KTT is slowly becoming a routine for me. Eat, sleep, pang sai, study, eat, sleep, pang sai, study.. Looking forward to getting out of here when mid-sem exam is over. We're going to Mid-Valley. Hell yeah 8D ... but then speaking of which, our allowance still haven't been credited into the bank account.. JPA super slow.. people here no more money liao weih..

After mid-sem, class resumes for 3 weeks before the Pre-AS exam.. WTF? This is indeed a super-accelerated program. The word is fast becoming a phrase and is integrating itself into our lexicon. Like how our Physics lecturer, Mr.Zaini says it in his distinctive style and booming voice: " You cannot afford to fool around.. You are in a super-accelerated program. 1 year will pass by very quickly and everything is super fast. " o.O no need rub it in lah weih..

Sigh. I really need a laptop. Sometimes I have questions regarding studies of which the answers cannot be found in any reference books.. Need to go search in Internet. But then comlab here is like kanasai.. Internet super slow.. worse than Slowmyx.. The PC is like something out of the Stone Age. Plus mana ada time come comlab just to search for answers? People have better stuff to do la.. Aduh.. I see a friend, he study very high tech one.. laptop one side, book one side, then occasionally type in laptop search for answers.. No wonder his SPM 15A1 and is one of Brand's High Achievers' Award recipient.. walao..

Speaking of which, I feel very stupid le being here. Everybody is like super freakin' genius and super freakin' hardworking.. Average study hours daily? 5 hours minimum. Average sleep time? 5 hours. OMG these people are like robots.. no need sleep, no need eat, no need pang sai, no social life. Everything is just study study study. Walao.. okay I might be exaggerating. Then again the people here ( I mean the JPA scholars la of course) are really chiong-ing.. not even exam season. I like this kind of dilligent culture though. Far better compared to the outsiders diploma students.. kanasai la.. Why open up diploma programmes for these people.. haih.

I miss Sarawak laksa.. gahhh...

That's all for now.. nothing more to crap about..

Numb and confused..

Blah.. 2 posts in less than a day..

What the fark.. Not feeling too good. =(

Really ironic.. the irony. Never felt so emo for so long, forgotten how it felt. Now that I feel it again, I am reminded of why I hate it so much in the first place. And I loathe myself for letting me slip into that God-forsaken state of limbo, numbness and confusion.

Which is EXACTLY why I hate emotions. FOr I am subject to it. And I feel it with such intensity that I hate it.

Why me.

I don't really wanna care. Yet, not to care would be irresponsible, which is not part of what defines me. I won't run away from problems, yet, to face it also takes a mountain of courage and emotional strength. SO I'm here, thinking: "God, please don't let me drain my emotional strength, not again.."

Gahh.. Childish thoughts.

2 more weeks to internal exam. I doubt it will be easy. Trying my best to cope. Study study study..

Sometimes I wonder how the hell did I ace SPM with such... unspeakable torment and despair during that time. I did it before, I sure as hell can do it now. Bring it on.. Gahhh..

THIS IS MADNESS!! THIS IS... me, just being me..

*******

I am a free spirit.. bound to no one but my own instinct and will. Tread not on my dreams, for it shall invoke a vengeful wrath none could withstand. Emotions are my eternal enemies; for it is my vow, for I let not petty feelings control this burning soul - me, forever intent on conquering new heights and defeating my inner demons..

Sleepy and tired.. but loving it..

Here I am, posting another update.. Borrowing Kian Joo's lappie. This morning went out with sister who came all the way from PJ just to get me outta this place and have some good ol not-halal MEAT. Bwahaha.

This week had been, well, fun I guess. Stayed up late every night, going to library to study. Really starting to worry. Our lecturers are super duper slow.. Whereas the one and a half year program ones are way ahead of us.. omgwtf.

That being said, I'm really grateful to have so many close friends here.. At least there are some who looks like they are not really that worried. OH well. =="

Dunno what to say nemore. Its been too long (felt like it) since I last went online, updating crap and spitting out rubbish on my blog.

By the way, something happened this week. It was quite daunting, confusing yet sweet at the same time. Life for me will never be the same. =) Now that I think of it, it really came quite unexpectedly and uncalled for. Life can throw surprises at you when you are least prepared, and it will go equally as fast and leave you yelling "WTF was that for??" then again I think that's how we grow up. And I think I made the right decision.. I THINK. *shrugs*..

Haih, so much happened in such a short time.

=)

Ahoy there from KTT~

I'm now at Inti Nilai campus, borrowing a friend's laptop just to get online and post an update of my life so far at KTT.

The orientation week just ended. I'm really happy to say that we got the first place for the performance competition. We did really well with the fashion show thing. It was done with lots of creativity and improvisation. All the sleepless nights, staying up till 1 o'clock in the morning, it was really worth it when they announced we're the winner. If I have the chance I'll upload the video. Its bloody funny.

Hell yeah, Czech-bound scholars are so united. We're proud that we're the craziest group too. Everyone else, including the India and Indon-bound ones are so damn serious and very normal. We (CzechMed) are the noisy ones, the crazy ones, the ones that talk loudly and laugh aloud when eating, the ones that walk around in one big crazy group. I so love my group. I love my new-found friends too. We got bonded to each other in such a short time. Simply amazing.

Tomorrow marks the start of lessons. We'll start grinding through a hectic 1 year of hellishly difficult stuff - the super accelerated A-levels. In 3 weeks we'll have our first mid-sem exam. In 3 months we'll be sitting for our AS exam - Advanced Subsidiary level. OMGWTFBBQ. 3 freaking months. Super kin teo. My housemates all already start reading up. I've only started on Bio so far. 8D Good thing is, the lessons themselves aren't that packed. We have relatively stress-free timetable. Much free time. In short, everything depends on yourself. You have to take initiative to study, take initiative to grind, to get into the madness mode. o.O

THIS IS MADNESS! Looking forward to it though.

Stay tuned for my next update. Yeehaa.

Super quick little update

So finally I'm at KTT. Safe flight, safe arrival, bla bla. Settled down quite nicely. Its been 2 days since I'm here and frankly, its much better than I initially thought.

This week is purely orientation week. So we're the noobs and freshies, brought around the college area to know life at KTT. Countless briefings and lots of fun moments with the seniors. I found out that there are 26 Czech-bound students, 29 Poland-bound (if I'm not mistaken), plus a whole big group of Indian-bound dentistry and medic students. I got to know many of the Czech-bound ones, and in such a short time, being in a secluded and isolated place, bound by the same mission and destiny, driven by the same determination, we became very good friends as if we've known each other all along. (actually I do, since a few of them are ReCommers)

The college itself is situated in Sepang area, near Nilai. Its basically surrounded by highway, jungle and oil plantation. No significant populated areas nearby. Nilai is just 15 minutes away though, so its still not that bad. At least we can concentrate more on our studies.

After just 2 days, we already found out how A level will be like. Its gonna be hard and I'm gonna grind and fight tooth and nail just to stay in the programme. Aw shucks. First two days were filled with book-buying madness as everybody who cared enough frantically and literally hunted around for seniors' books. I took the liberty of cornering seniors at every opportunity, asking questions and seeking wise advice. Luckily there ARE a few GRSS senior here. Yay! Anyway I'm currently in book-hunting mode, stockpiling every kind of study material I can get in my apartment. o.O 8D

I've gotta run now. Actually now I'm just stealing some time and snuck into the comlab to update the blog. I'll try to blog more when I have the chance. Buh bye.

Reality of leaving settling in.

Yeah, I know, probably the lamest post title, ever.

These few days have been agony. Sore throat, for one. Heck its not even sore throat. More like, throat-so-sore-feel-like-shit-wanna-die kind. Yeah, THAT painful. Never had sore throat that agonizing before. Couldn't swallow, couldn't eat, drink, or even talk. The pain sort of just stayed there like this spiky metal ball thing lodged in your throat. Toss in a couple bouts of fever that keeps coming and going, then you'll have a wonderful way to spend 3 days lying in the living room watching reruns of Braveheart of Kingdom of Heaven while cursing your fate and massaging your white hot throat. Ouch. Thankfully getting a lil' better, after takin meds. And since when meds cost so much? 80 bucks for some freakin' antibiotics? Gahh.

It was pouring so heavily just now. I had the utmost pleasure of driving my parents home after dinner in that condition. All the way from Kuching Specialist Hospital (get meds) it was pouring. Literally like water coming down like waterfall. Can't see a thing. The road was like a shallow stream, and here and there there were deeper parts where water splashed up like magnificent waves when vehicles cross them. I never knew the deep puddles of water could hold such frictional force. Whole damn car slowed down almost a quarter of the speed when hitting the places. Such magnitude! Madness!

Anyway.. everybody's left for KL. Except me!! ...... stuck here trying to finish season 4 of Grey's Anatomy. Not that I complain. Lexie Grey is so damn hot. Just the kind of girl I want. Smart, kinda blur, funny, fair-skinned and tad brownish hair. *drool* if ever during my stint as houseman after finishing meds and coming back at the hospital do I come across someone like that.. OMG. Dream come true.

I'll be leaving in 2 more days. Now that I think of it, this is the moment I've been wanting to get to since Form 5. I wanted to get the hell out of Kuching so badly, just leave all those bad memories behind and start a new life somewhere. Yet now that I'm REALLY leaving.. feels kinds hollow. Ironic.

Who gives a damn, right? Each to his own. No crappy and emo shit from me saying things like 'friendship' and 'path' and 'blablawhatevermushythingsyoucanthinkof'. Its life. It goes on. I'm eager to see what's new out there. Experience new life, new friends, new culture. This is life. This IS MADNESS!! Bwahaha.

Time to take my meds.. Gahh wtf.

The Great Office War!!

I found this video on Yahoo! and it really made me smile. Kinda funny. It was really impressive though. Just watch it till the end.



I just finished packing my stuff. All my clothes and belongings occupied 3 freakin' bags. o.O

Oh well.

SimCity4 madness!

I've been killing time by playing Sim City 4. Don't laugh. No, stop it. Don't even smile.

It's fun to have control over everything. I take pleasure in seeing things grow and evolve. Building a city from scratch is almost an art form - from a small town, to a city, to a BIG city, to a metropolis with all its traffic, pollution, glitzy tall commercial buildings and public transport. Phew. I love building cities. Mwahaha. Earning tons of cash in the process is an added bonus too. Its a delicate process and is almost a superhuman skill to balance income and expenditure.

I'm taking a breather from all that city-building. Computer lags when the city becomes larger and larger. Stupid computer. Stupid lousy slow old outdated sickening computer.

First day of NOT going to school is, well, quite enjoyable. No need to wake up early and go listen to boring Chemistry lessons. 8D *nudge nudge* Then again I'll miss the crazy Maths sessions in the afternoon at the library. Miss being able to scream THIS IS MADNESS!! and KANASAI MACAM TAHI ARRGHH with me buddies. Hmm. Wondering whether I'll be able to do that over at KTT. BUT I'll need to have good friends to do that together baru got the Ooomph. For that, I'll need to find myself some friends. Before that I need to know them. Before that I need to be there first. Before that I need to start my freakin' bag. Shit. Large, freakin' bags. Feels like I'm moving my whole life there.

Then again, I AM moving my whole life there. 8D

Enough crap for now.

Tiny little update

I expected today to be a whole day filled with movie marathon, food, good times with friends and such. How disappointed I was when everybody went home after just one pathetic movie and a meal together. I guess there will always be the good memory and the quality time we spent together. We'll definitely meet each other soon. 7 years or more from now, I'm gonna see them again.

One last gathering of friends.. before going off to a whole new life filled with endless revision, lecture, study, books and the sole determination to survive A-level with excellence and get into Czech Republic.

We watched The Happening today. Frankly, M. Night Shyamalan let me down. I expected something more gory and splattered with horrifying, bloody scenes of people mutilating and destroying themselves without any expression of pain. The absence of pain part was quite catchy and worth it. Yet, I find myself wanting more scenes of gore and mindless acts of people doing frightening stuff just to scare my shit off. The movie failed to do just that. At first, the scene of a whole park full of people stopping everything they're doing and starting to walk backwards like aliens or whatever-shit-and-sickening-things-you-can-think-of was quite unnerving. The novelty wore off soon enough though.

After the movie, we went to have lunch at After 3. The eatery was very impressive. I like the overall ambience. Food was nice. Then came the parting and farewell. It was done and over with in a short time. Surprisingly. I had to send Nic off and since we had time to kill, we went to The Spring. Being the book freaks we are, MPH Bookstore naturally comes to mind when we go there. I bought 2 books - The Master Plan to Success by Napoleon Hill and Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. Both are best-selling self-help books. I have an affinity for these recently.

Running out of ideas.. Stay tuned for my next update.

Of Humility

Have you ever wondered what other people think of you? Ever wondered how others view you? What kind of impression do you leave on others? All those seemingly petty questions that keep lurking at the back of your mind ironically? I do. All the time.

Even though sometimes I strive to project an all-confident image of individuality and the sort of I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think attitude, the doubt and fear never really left me. I'm afraid that others ridicule me, thinking me of nothing more than a lowly, proud, vain, arrogant son of a bitch who never really deserved the coveted scholarship. In fact, this sense of self-esteem, or rather, the lack of it, has been following me since Form 4. It wasn't the issue of scholarship then, its the issue of me being me and how I carry myself in school.

I ask myself all the time: am I behaving correctly? Is this how I'm supposed to talk? How I'm supposed to communicate? How I'm supposed to treat others? Is this the way someone who got the best male student award (but probably didn't deserve it) carry himself? There are quite a lot of people who think I am arrogant. I had the liberty to ask a close friend of mine about the question. She answered me simply: " Its not the way you are.. sometimes the way you speak makes people think you are. " which drew me into this long period of contemplation. How then, do you control yourself from saying things that you don't mean? How then do you react to things, express yourself without appearing like a proud nerd? I don't mind being labelled a nerd, but I mind like hell if people think me arrogant. Who in their right mind would want to walk around the school with people throwing angry glances in his or her way, or look at him/her with a touch of disapproval in their eyes?

Sometimes, people misinterpret what I say as me being a jerk who shows off, rather than interpreting it as me having a bit of good clean fun peppered with sarcasm. That's why narrow-minded people aren't counted amongst my best of friends. It bothers me that people can't take sarcasm and humour, misinterpreting it as a real and true remark of pure arrogance coming out of me. When you decide to keep quiet instead of saying such things, they would start thinking you're being that arrogant jerk who doesn't mix with other people. What should one do then? Talk or no talk; its dead end either way.

That's why I strive to inculcate humility in myself by thinking before speaking. Maybe it is indeed true that I sometimes speak with a sense of arrogance but never in my life do I consciously want to project that kind of image, neither do I WANT to show off. I admit there are some things and certain times when my pride got ahead of me and seriously I'm not proud of those moments. Which brings me back to why I try to be humble and carry myself as someone in my shoes should. I really adore someone back then who used to be my classmate: she was the best student in my class yet she kept a low profile and was extremely humble. Why couldn't I be more like her? I know I could do it..

Therefore, my point is, no one in this world will really be honest and can tell you straight in the face that they don't care what others think. At some point in their lives, they will start to think about it. I decide to face it and confront it rather than walking away. I can't live my whole life with other people thinking me as an arrogant son of a bitch, can I? =P

The Science of Getting Rich

Is there really a science of getting rich? Much like there is a science for social study, natural science, biological science, health science, psychological science etcetera? According to the author, Wallace D. Wattles, there is indeed a science of getting rich.

In fact, Mr. Wattles drew quite a controversy after he published the book. The church deem it heretical in nature and is blasphemous. It was banned, if I'm not mistaken. Yet, after almost a century later, here I am, blogging about it after having just finished reading the whole book.

You might ask me the ultimate question - is there REALLY a science of getting rich? Personally, I'd say yes. What is outlined in the book is nothing more than a systematic system of focusing one's thoughts in achieving wealth, much related to the Law of Attraction. I can hardly have myself saying it as a 'science' per se, much like I doubt that the 'LAW' of Attraction has anything scientific in nature. However, Mr. Wattles did create a work no one else had produced and honestly, it has made me into a believer, albeit being a little bit sceptical at that.

The main ideas in the book is as follows:

THERE is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

A thought in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought.

Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance can cause the thing he thinks about to be created.

In order to do this, man must pass from the competitive to the creative mind; otherwise he cannot be in harmony with the Formless Intelligence, which is always creative and never competitive in spirit.

Man may come into full harmony with the Formless Substance by entertaining a lively and sincere gratitude for the blessings it bestows upon him. Gratitude unifies the mind of man with the intelligence of Substance, so that man's thoughts are received by the Formless. Man can remain upon the creative plane only by uniting himself with the Formless Intelligence through a deep and continuous feeling of gratitude.

Man must form a clear and definite mental image of the things he wishes to have, to do, or to become; and he must hold this mental image in his thoughts, while being deeply grateful to the Supreme that all his desires are granted to him. The man who wishes to get rich must spend his leisure hours in contemplating his Vision, and in earnest thanksgiving that the reality is being given to him. Too much stress cannot be laid on the importance of frequent contemplation of the mental image, coupled with unwavering faith and devout gratitude. This is the process by which the impression is given to the Formless, and the creative forces set in motion.

The creative energy works through the established channels of natural growth, and of the industrial and social order. All that is included in his mental image will surely be brought to the man who follows the instructions given above, and whose faith does not waver. What he wants will come to him through the ways of established trade and commerce.

In order to receive his own when it shall come to him, man must be active; and this activity can only consist in more than filling his present place. He must keep in mind the Purpose to get rich through the realization of his mental image. And he must do, every day, all that can be done that day, taking care to do each act in a successful manner. He must give to every man a use value in excess of the cash value he receives, so that each transaction makes for more life; and he must so hold the Advancing Thought that the impression of increase will be communicated to all with whom he comes in contact.

The men and women who practice the foregoing instructions will certainly get rich; and the riches they receive will be in exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.

In laymen's words, you can have what you want if you visualise it in your mind, constantly forming a mental image of it and having the absolute faith that it will come to you in time. This is relatively similar to the Law of Attraction, though I must say I can't quite confirm it because I've yet to read it.

Some might see why the book was labelled as a heretical work. It challenges the common Christian belief that one must be content with whatever God gives him or her, for He has plans for everyone of us. Mr. Wattles, however, believes that life itself is constantly seeking ways to express itself, thus it will always want to expand, to grow, to give life unto others and continuously be abundant and rich. It is with this same principle that one could ask God to give him more and to give him whatever he wants, because it is God's very nature for life to be abundant and rich.

Thus, the main idea in this book is that there is no limit to how much wealth you can have, plus you can attain it without a single sense of guilt because the wealth attained is of creative form, not from competition - it materialises out of creative visualisation and not selfishness or acts of ill will. That being said, don't be confused and think the book teaches you how to mentally picture a PS3 really hard and it will pop right out of thin air before you. Rather, it puts forward a principle that if only you hold true with absolute and concrete faith that what you want will be granted in time, the infinite abundance will grant you the wealth you seek. Why? Because it is the will of life itself to be rich and abundant, and it is through that will that one could attain infinite riches. The term 'rich' here refers not only to material wealth but also wealth of all forms in life. Therefore, picture with absolute confidence and faith the thing you want, take the necessary actions in order to prepare for its arrival, and in time, wealth will come. The universe will shift and prepare a course for its arrival to you. That's the main gist of it.

I'm actually putting this 'science' to work by testing the theory. My object of desire? A brand new Dell XPS M1730 portable gaming behemoth. Let's see whether Mr. Wattle knows what he is saying. Then again, you can't blame him if he's not correct because he's dead more half a century ago.

If you're interested in the book, let me know. I have an E-book version of it and will be more than glad to send you a free copy.

LOTR madness!!

This is madness! I'm this close to finishing Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - the game on PC. Its hellishly difficult, devastatingly hard to complete (and to think I'm only on normal mode) yet really addictive once you get used to it. The level I'm on is second from the last one. Once again I'm Aragorn - King Aragorn, mind you - leading a handful of Gondor and Rohan soldiers fighting orcs before the Black Gates itself in a bid to give Frodo more time to complete the quest. Brutally mind-numbing (try to kill as many orcs as you can while protecting 3 comrades at the same time) and almost impossible to get through. Gahh.

The game revolves around what happens in the movie, of course. I'd say its one of the best movie adaptation PC game around. Graphics are really decent, special effects and GFX are quite pleasing to the eyes and the enemy AI aren't stupid, surprisingly. However, all these cannot beat the main attraction point of the game - the combo. The developers have put in quite an effort to make the characters' movements as fluid and life-like as possible - each combo/stroke/slash is projected like it should as in real life, unlike many games where you simply mash the buttons and see the animated character dish out some colourful and wonderful lights without hitting anything. In LOTR:RotK, the characters are drawn in such a way that their sword strokes and blocks follow the laws of physics: steel clash on steel instead of hitting air. Of course there are some parts of the game where technical glitch is an eyesore - orcs came charging THROUGH of the huge black gates of Mordor - but these minor details can be more than compensated with the well-executed storyline and plot.

I find myself wandering in the world of Tolkien these few days. I think continuous playing of the game has something to do with it. Middle Earth is such a wonderful fantasy realm. I intend to re-read everything when I have the chance. Which reminds me of the dusty, brand new and untouched Children of Hurin released recently, which I bought. Its almost similar to the account told in The Silmarillion but delves more on the tales about Men instead of Elves.

I took the liberty of Googling pictures of the malicious Witch-King, or more commonly known as Nazgul. They're intriguing. I came across this funny altered picture though.


Its hard to picture the Nazguls being funny. This picture shows why.


That menacing iron helmet is awesome though. The picture is that of the Witch-King himself - leader of the Nazguls, most feared and fell among them all. In other words, he's the badass, evil and dangerous liutenant of Sauron. AND he IS a Nazgul, a Ringwraith himself.

Enough about LOTR for now. I shall post more stuff about it in the future.

Spiralling oil prices - my point of view.

I just came home from dinner. From what I observed, there are less people on the road and the whole city is somehow more quiet than usual. So I deduced that its because of the recent oil price hike - 78 cents to be exact (for petrol) that caused much agony to the people.

Yet, I feel compelled to say something because I've seen how people, especially the middle income group, whine and complain about it all. What people don't realise is that the oil price now is pretty much out of the Government's hands, so no matter what you do, be it holding a street protest, hurling tomatoes at the politicians or scratch their cars, they still can't do anything. The oil price is where it is at now because of one word - speculation. Futures and option traders drive the oil price up by over-speculation, drawing on petty little news like a faulty drill pipe at some obscure offshore oil platform owned by a big foreign oil company which could POSSIBLY cause a shortage in oil to induce a spike in commodity oil price. Or maybe the ominous, yet highly improbable rumour that the US is gonna attack Iran soon, making the impending oil shortage scenario seem even real. Yet, all this is only a ploy manipulated by unscrupulous traders seeking to make a quick profit from the movements of oil prices. So in short, the real problem lies in over-speculation, not simple market dynamics or supply and demand, which many of the common people believe. If it really is oil shortage we're facing, people would be lining up at petrol stations or oil tankers would be lying idle on the seas (borrowing a quote from Datuk Idris Jala, CEO of Malaysia Airlines).

In my humble opinion, the Government's move in removing the subsidies is correct. Why? We should let free market forces dictate our economy, not the other way round. By giving fuel subsidies, we are essentially creating a very fragile and fake economy which relies on handouts, reducing efficiency, competitiveness and productivity. So what's the fuss when the Government decides to withdraw something that shouldn't be given in the first place? These people, especially business owners, are so narrow-minded. They couldn't look at the bigger picture - more competitive and productive economy is actually good for business. Give fuel subsidies equates to the act destroying Malaysia's economy in the long run.

Enough about the whining part. What we should focus on is how to overcome this problem. Common people whine because they let the spike in oil price dictate their lives. They are like Chicken Little, running around yelling that the sky is falling. Sure, it may be a troublesome affair and middle-income group might feel the pinch. Yet, the solution is not to pressure the Government to help and intervene. This only makes ourselves too lazy and dependent, not seeking ways to reduce the burden like we should be doing. The point is not to say " I cannot afford it. " We should instead say, " HOW can I afford it? " This simple statement is quoted from Robert Kiyosaki, author of best-selling 'Rich Dad Poor Dad'. By making the situation tougher than it already is, our brains juices will flow to start seeking other ways to afford our current lifestyle even with the increase in oil price.

We let ourselves get pushed around. When oil prices increase, we run around like Chicken Little. We say we cannot afford this or that. We're gonna say life is unfair. This is when the world pushes us around. What we never realise is how NOT to let the world do that. The world is fair. Push back, and you won't get pushed around. Most people live in the rat race. They earn an income, use most of it and have little left at the end of the month. Why could they not just take a portion of the salary and invest it first before spending it? That's why the rich gets richer and the middle-income group stay at where they are. I simply respect Mr. Kiyosaki for his wise teachings. His book is profound and contains many simple reasonings. I respect the power of capitalism. Of course, people say capitalism as an economic system is brutal and unfair. However, learn to harness it, and you could get out of the rat race and be financially free. This principle is more important now, what with the oil prices going up and all.

My conclusion is, if you are one of those people who complain about oil prices, think again. You're letting the world push you around. Rising oil prices is just a mere ploy, a simple market dynamics of over-speculation. Its not even REAL. So live with it, people, and start thinking of HOW to overcome it instead of letting it control your lives.

Maths insanity!!

These few days have been nothing more than mindless routine of going to school, seriously paying attention in chemistry, maths & biology lessons plus diligent completion of homework. I'm beginning to get used to it. Hopefully A level will be a tad easier than this, though if it isn't, I ain't complaining cause the routine is, well, hardwired in my mind since the days of SPM.

Today stayed back at school to have study session with the study group. Actually.. its more like a study trio. There wasn't even a group to begin with. o_O" Yet, we had fun grinding the mind-screwing and insidiously difficult Maths. Which left me with a throbbing headache after two hours of pure concentration and insanity filled with laughter. Yee haa. I share a bittersweet, love-hate relationship with Maths.

From what I heard, A level at KTT for those who are going to Czech involves three subjects only - Chemistry, Biology and Physics. Mention Physics and I'll gape in horror. Its one of my killer subject. Shiet. Hope it won't be difficult.

I now long for a really loyal companion who is just honest and fun to be with. As days go by I miss my best buddy more and more. *sigh* all the funny moments, all the stupid jokes, all the times we've been together.. really miss those bygone days.

GAHHHHhhh.... *lonely* .. its just really different.

New blog look and updates

Tadaa! I officially unveil the new look of my blog. Tee hee. The theme is centred around The Hobbit. I think this new template screams how much of a LOTR fan I am. I simply love the warm feel and aged look of the design.

Anyways, I decided not to continue on my mindless pursuit of blogging on a personal domain. It costs way too much money and well, just not worth the trouble at the moment. Plus I'm not keen on achieving blogging stardom or anything, so yeah, this blog shall suit my needs for now.

Not to mention I lost RM68 because that damned cheating hosting company terminated my account.

I did some 'cleaning up' of this blog - removed intrusive ads, outdated stuff, useless info etc. Bla bla. Deleted some, I might say, controversial posts (which probably earned me lifelong hatred by a stalking stranger) as well.

Today Lower 6 teaching started. The time has finally come for me to jump-start my slumbering and decaying brain. Thank goodness. Any longer and I might become a dumbo. o.O yet, I feel a strange emptiness and numbness. I guess going to school without all the familiar faces of my closest friends - the katak gang - makes my heart ache a bit. Call me emo. I don't care. They're my best buddies. Fate has it we're gonna be seperated and strewn all over the world. LOL.. JJ in Miri, Hann in NZ, and I'm leaving this place soon too. Really sympathise with Jaws. Sigh.

Quite surprised it took this long to feel the sadness.

OMG GRSS Teacher's Day sketch LOL!

This vid really tickled my bone. Reminded me how funny the Teacher's Day sketch was then.

Ah Ma really stole the limelight. She rocked!! Lol made the whole hall roar with laughter..

Gosh. Kinda miss the whole thing. The time when we practised together was.. really enjoyable and memorable.

p.s. whoever wants the vid, please lemme know, I'll send it to you. Its not on YouTube.
p.s.s. please spread the vid around, help protect Ah Ma's legacy. LOLWTFBBQ

Of man in iron suit and charming prince

Today we went for breakfast at Choon Hui.. Excellent laksa. It was supposed to be our last meal with Ah Ma / Jun Kong Before they go to Labuan for matrics. o.O I kinda regret not getting to know them properly. And to think I had 5 years to do that.

I guess that its true that you only feel the loss when something is already gone. Don't take things for granted, and appreciate what you have. That's the lesson I learnt today.

Sent Loung Huey home after we hung out at a new place called Scoops, next to Maybank South Kuching Main Branch. Didn't realise it even exists. Then we went to watch movies. Me, Tall Tall Girl, Ning Ning and Jun Kong. First we watched Prince Caspian. Quite nice. Then JK went back. So only left me and the two girls to watch Iron Man. I gotta say I'm really attracted by the actual whole process of how Tony Stark created and designed the uber kick-ass suit. *drool* it flies, it deflects bullets and it shoots out energy pulses. Way cool. After that, sent the two girls home.

Had dinner at Boulevard whereby me and me parents stuff ourselves silly with fish and chips. Kinda disgusting. Never gonna dine at Manhattan Fish Market again. Bleargh.. and tired too. Speaking of which, I've never had the freedom to drive wherever I want. Plus, parents let me out all day. Wee~ been out since 7 a.m.

Way tired..

omgwtfbbq

We managed to pull off the teacher's day sketch thingie. Kind of.

At least we managed to improvise. At least the teachers laughed. That's the main idea of the whole thing. Even if we make a fool of ourselves, as long as we managed to put a smile on their faces.. then its a success sweet enough for me.

LOL. I can afford to lose face in GRSS. Goin off soon anyway. LOLWTFBBQ.

Everybody around me is emo.. Ahma leaving. Not really close with her but I do understand how much she means to my friends. Oh well..

Praying for miracles.

Tmr marks the day where, hopefully, we could pull our stunts off. Teacher's Day sketch thingie.

Spontaneous response, lightning-quick replies and.. funny jokes. Plus unprecedented and flawless coordination.

Sounds quite impossible? Yeah it is. We're doomed. I'm praying for miracles tmr. LOL

Even then, it'll be quite fun I guess.

My dream laptop

I wanna buy a Dell XPS M1730 laptop. Why? It's one helluva behemoth of gaming. The gaming rig is so powerful, that its 100 times better than my current age-old, rusting PC.

Seriously.

I thought of getting HP Pavillion HDX aka The Dragon, but seeing that its way too big (freakin 20 inch monitor if I'm not mistaken) plus XPS has better eye candy capabilities, I'd buy Dell.

Let's see some photos, shall we?

Drool. Note the LEDs.

Even more drool.

Customised World of Warcraft version. OMG.

Inside its sleek body, its sports Intel Core 2 Extreme processor X7900 (2.80GHz), 4GB DDR2 System Memory and NVIDIA GeForce 8700M GT SLI. Specs that would put any gamer into drooling mode. Well its not quite as advanced, but its the king of kings in gaming laptop.

I so want this behemoth. But it weighs around 5KG and sips power up like a baby hungry for milk.

...

Who cares. Its not like I'm gonna lug this thing around. Its the best replacement for a powerful desktop. Plus its quite cheap for a multimedia laptop. Yeehaa.

My next dream. Dell XPS M1730.

Wow, flattered.

Just two days ago I received hate spam in my cbox. Today, yet again there are people who hate me for getting JPA scholarship. Wee, I'm so popular!

To the spammers: Keep spamming and let everybody know how immature and childish you are. It's not my reputation on the line, and it's not my problem that you have such a shallow conscience to condemn other people for getting what you didn't get.

LOLWTF.

FYI, I know who you are. Oh yeash. You're messing with the wrong guy.