Of Humility

Have you ever wondered what other people think of you? Ever wondered how others view you? What kind of impression do you leave on others? All those seemingly petty questions that keep lurking at the back of your mind ironically? I do. All the time.

Even though sometimes I strive to project an all-confident image of individuality and the sort of I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think attitude, the doubt and fear never really left me. I'm afraid that others ridicule me, thinking me of nothing more than a lowly, proud, vain, arrogant son of a bitch who never really deserved the coveted scholarship. In fact, this sense of self-esteem, or rather, the lack of it, has been following me since Form 4. It wasn't the issue of scholarship then, its the issue of me being me and how I carry myself in school.

I ask myself all the time: am I behaving correctly? Is this how I'm supposed to talk? How I'm supposed to communicate? How I'm supposed to treat others? Is this the way someone who got the best male student award (but probably didn't deserve it) carry himself? There are quite a lot of people who think I am arrogant. I had the liberty to ask a close friend of mine about the question. She answered me simply: " Its not the way you are.. sometimes the way you speak makes people think you are. " which drew me into this long period of contemplation. How then, do you control yourself from saying things that you don't mean? How then do you react to things, express yourself without appearing like a proud nerd? I don't mind being labelled a nerd, but I mind like hell if people think me arrogant. Who in their right mind would want to walk around the school with people throwing angry glances in his or her way, or look at him/her with a touch of disapproval in their eyes?

Sometimes, people misinterpret what I say as me being a jerk who shows off, rather than interpreting it as me having a bit of good clean fun peppered with sarcasm. That's why narrow-minded people aren't counted amongst my best of friends. It bothers me that people can't take sarcasm and humour, misinterpreting it as a real and true remark of pure arrogance coming out of me. When you decide to keep quiet instead of saying such things, they would start thinking you're being that arrogant jerk who doesn't mix with other people. What should one do then? Talk or no talk; its dead end either way.

That's why I strive to inculcate humility in myself by thinking before speaking. Maybe it is indeed true that I sometimes speak with a sense of arrogance but never in my life do I consciously want to project that kind of image, neither do I WANT to show off. I admit there are some things and certain times when my pride got ahead of me and seriously I'm not proud of those moments. Which brings me back to why I try to be humble and carry myself as someone in my shoes should. I really adore someone back then who used to be my classmate: she was the best student in my class yet she kept a low profile and was extremely humble. Why couldn't I be more like her? I know I could do it..

Therefore, my point is, no one in this world will really be honest and can tell you straight in the face that they don't care what others think. At some point in their lives, they will start to think about it. I decide to face it and confront it rather than walking away. I can't live my whole life with other people thinking me as an arrogant son of a bitch, can I? =P