Important changes.. and a whole lot of theology.

I would like to announce that I decided to close this blog to the public. I have invited only a select few and given them access to this blog. If you have been invited, know that you have exceptional importance in my heart.

The reason I close the blog to the public should be very apparent - I need privacy. Privacy is a commodity few would give up. I thought that with fame, privacy needs to be sacrificed. Fame in the sense that people know you and it is only natural that they come to your blog (this sounds so vain, but I have had strangers dropping by). Well, regretfully, that has brought me countless troubles. From hate mails after getting JPA scholarship to insults from unknown, anonymous people, I endured it all. The last straw came when I posted the last entry.

My testimony sparked fury from my family such that I have not known before. It was quite daunting to face them. My heart ached when my father called me and gave me an earful. He forbade, I repeat, FORBADE me from being a Christian. My sister tried to talk me out of it. My mother, though she did not say it out loud, expressed her disapproval through her tone (she is excellent at that). The only person liberal enough to respect my decision was my brother, although he was a bit disappointed too. This was since two days ago. Little would I know that God has planned everything out.

Now, most people would prefer celebrating the New Year's Eve with friends or family at a countdown festival. Even my fellow friends at KTT spent time together at the famous Star Walk. For me, I celebrated my countdown at the most unlikely place - a Buddhism prayer mass. My siblings brought me there. Now I know why my mother was so adamant about me coming to KL for the four-day holiday.

See where I am getting to?

They wanted to change my mind. Knowing them, my parents and sister would probably stop at nothing to get me to change my mind. I assumed so, yet it was not so. Thankfully.

Such hostility towards Christian faith. Such unmerciful, uncompromising intolerance. From my own family. Could you even imagine the pain it causes? I had been waging a silent protest for two days. I only talked when need arises, to the point my sister doubt that I was having a severe bout of headache. We had dinner, and then came the tipping point: we debated, we argued, and she almost cried while I held my stand. I refused to budge.

When we got back, I was left to go back to her apartment alone with her housemate while she left to cool her mind. I prayed vehemently, seeing that if this crisis proved impossible, the rifts between me and my family would grow to such an gargantuan scale. I plead desperately to Him because I needed a way to tell my parents.

Then, as always, He knew best. As amazing as it sounds, as insurmountable the odds seemed, it was settled in an amicable way. I called my mother and talked to her sincerely, such that I never had before. We shared our views, she telling why she opposed the idea. I told her my side of the story. I told her my testimony myself, from my own heart, even though my whole family had somehow read my blog before this. I tried to reason with her, and I think it somehow worked.

Turns out, the whole problem with them objecting was their bad experience with Christians. During their university days, their Christian acquaintance showed some attitude and conducted themselves in a manner less than what true Christian faith would approve. Most recently, my grandmother passed away and some of my cousins, being Christians, did not even turn up. My mother told of how one of my cousin refused to pay last respects by way of kneeling and refused to hold the joss stick. Some of them did not even come back for the remainder of the funeral ritual. She told of how my whole generation, that being those who are somehow related to my grandmother, including my uncles, granduncles, aunts and 2nd or even 3rd cousins, personal friends and relatives of my grandfather's side saw how my Christian cousins behaved. They were disappointed and angry at such disrespectful manner. To think one of my Christian cousins would hold his wedding, right after 1 or 2 weeks after the funeral!

I do not know much about Christian faith forbidding the joss stick and kneeling and such, but for me, personally I think that tradition and belief are two totally different domains. Being a Christian does not mean I cannot hold the incense for the sake of respect for the ancestors and elders. It does not mean I cannot go to the temple anymore, though of course I would not kneel before the deities (that would be wrong). Yet it does not mean I cannot go, because it is a cultural practice. It does not mean narrowing and limiting your world to such a point that all other tradition and culture becomes demonic and Satanic. Why the intolerance? My parents fear the worst: that I would become a fanatic, a mindless self-proclaimed faithful believer who would forget his own roots and Chinese upbringing.

After what seemed like an eternity of reasoning, we came to conclude that what I believe in is different from what my roots are. I could practically believe in whatever I want, so long as I do not forget my roots and do not abandon my family traditions. In my opinion, I could practise both without affecting my faith in the Lord. On official matters, I would write 'agama Buddha' as my official religion but in effect, I am a Christian at heart. Does it matter? We all proclaim our faith to the one true God, yet in the process, rejecting all others. Where is the tolerance? Where is the kindness? Where is the understanding? Does not the commandment, Love Thy Neighbour hold? One Church, One Faith? It is poppycock for all I know. Countless branches of Christianity see to that. Methodist, Roman Catholic, Anglican, 7th Day Adventist, Pentecostal, Evangelical. The list goes on. Compared to Buddhism, we Christians should be ashamed of ourselves before we start condemning other faiths.

Therefore, my family and I came to a precarious compromise - I should not forsake my family bonds, traditions, culture and ancestral Chinese upbringing, much as they should not forbid me from believing in Jesus. I think that balancing both is the key. Practically, culture and belief really are worlds apart, but it would be pointless to try to let one be the priority and let it dictate how one lives life. If I follow Christ to the point of abandoning my family roots, what good is that? I would be as good to burn in Hell than to proclaim myself righteous. If holding incense and kneeling to pay respects to elders grants one a place in Hell, then I personally think that would be a matter between God and me.

I might be wrong and for all I know, I am almost 100% wrong in my thinking, yet, I see no other way. I chose to believe in God. Were it not for my belief, none of this would have happened. So, in order to believe in Him, I have to compromise by doing things supposedly disallowed in the Holy Bible. Ironic, I know. It becomes a vicious endless cycle where none would gain the upper hand and neither side would be right.

Thus, after much thought, I decided that it is best for me to close this blog to the public and open another one. It all started because of the blog entry. I realised how important privacy is, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. If this blog were to be private, I have to open another one to display the other side of me. In effect, I would maintain two seperate blogs - one for private musings, the other for 'official' updates. It is the best solution, in my opinion. Although it is not free (the domain name and hosting for my new one is not free, mind you), I guess it is worth it.

So, effective today (ironically, today is 1st of January 2009), The Grey Haven goes private. Ian's Journey of Life goes online. I would post my thoughts, my spiritual journeys and my private opinions here, whereas the other would be for my usual updates.

My new blog is at www.ianbong.net . You are most welcome to go there, though I must add that it is not really complete yet. Wordpress is so different from Blogspot system, but it is fun. I had to build everything from scratch. Lucky for me, I had some experience with it so it was not all that difficult.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my ramblings. Currently I only invited 15 people to this blog, so count yourselves lucky because you are included in my private, inner circle of close friends.

... Okay take that back. I was just joking. Lolz.

On a more serious note.. I do appreciate you all. Thank you =)