It is that feeling again.

Today is the first day of Lunar New Year, though me and my family did not do much. Pretty much sat around at home, sleeping, watching DVD's, hog the computer. Yet today I woke up feeling wretched and weak. Turns out I have gastric, which is painful, diarrhoea and slight bit of fever. Sick on the first day of CNY. Bugger.

Had some time to kill, so I went and read other people's blog. It hit me how time flies, how things can change in such a short time. How people change. It is inevitable. 2008 flew past and with it, the death of my old self. Then again I read Kim's blog. This particular sentence struck me:

What would you say if God asked you whether your life is any different from a non-Christian?

Personally, I have no answer to that. I realised I feel distant from Him. Why do I only pray when I was back at college? Why do sometimes I feel joy, yet at other times feel like my life is not any different when this whole thing have not happened? I thought I had found my purpose, but truthfully, I do not even know what that purpose is. To help others? To dedicate myself into servitude, serving a cause higher than my own? To be committed to a charitable foundation, then start my own once I have enough funds and volunteers to run it? I even seriously considered to specialise in accident and emergency so that I might go to any war-torn places and help all that I can.

Such idiocy. Hypocrisy can really make you feel ashamed of yourself. I thought to myself, is that what you really wanted? I do not even know how my future would turn out to be. I have some fuzzy images but they do not help much. Friends who are faithful would say: "Turn to God." Yet I do not even know how to do that. Pray? Check. Read the Bible daily? Check. Then what?

People say if you know a lot about Christianity, yet do not have a personal relationship with God, then you are not a Christian. For me, I think I have no knowledge about the faith, nor do I think I have any personal relationship with Him. It is terribly agonising and confusing, sometimes.


Alas, what I could do, ironically, is pray.

Enough talk about religion, then. I find it soul-sapping sometimes.


On the other hand, I went to read someone's blog. I seriously felt like banging my head on the wall and cutting my arm and inflicting all sorts of pain onto myself. I should not have done it. That particular sentence stabbed my heart, and there was only a murmur in my heart:

It is all your fault. You deserve to feel this way.

To hurt someone when BOTH of you were not ready for it. I seriously made a vow to stay off these sort of issues from now on. Let God decide.