Going back to a life of peace, tranquility and books.

I'm going back soon. In 6 hours, my life would go back to what it has been for the past 5 months. Endless reading and re-reading of books. Constant revision of past year papers. My world has been revolving around nothing but the thought of passing AS. I don't even know the results yet, but soon the whole lot of us would be studying A2 already.

Endless grind of books. Somehow it takes things off my mind. Even though it is tough, life is simpler when you have nothing to do save for revising lessons and reading. There's no classroom politics, no backstabbing, no emotional friendship drama, no stupid puppy love scenarios, no regrets.

I managed to spend time with old friends during the 1-measly-week-holiday. If you call that a holiday. It didn't feel like it, for all I know. There's just this unexplained weariness and grief, bordering on dread. It has been growing on my mind ever since the holiday started, sort of like how weeds grow unchecked in a beautiful flower garden. The thoughts clouded my mind and rendered me exhausted. Yet exhausted of what, I know not. It feels like I'm weary of everything. Exhausted, in essence and in soul.

Words can't describe what I intend to express. It would be two months before I come back again. Sigh.

Lyrical emotions.

Feelings that feel almost lyrical in nature, as memories stir themselves up from the deep slumber in the catacombs of my endless void. As I sit listening to The Fray and typing away, I cannot help but feel nostalgic. Suddenly there is this gush of sheer sadness, borne out of nothing and without reason. I cannot find the answer to it.

Why such reckless sadness? Perhaps I should not listen to such music so often.

Speaking of which, these few days I've been busy bringing three of my friends from KTT for a short trip around Kuching. We arrived here at around 6 p.m. Then we went to walk around the Golden Triangle area near Riverfront. Yesterday morning we went to the cultural village near Damai beach. It was quite worth it, entrance fee being RM15 and all. We went to Jalan Song at night. This morning was spent visiting the Sarawak Museum and the handicraft shops fronting the river (forgot what's the road's name). Then, sent them off at airport. All was well. I think our friendship was strengthened somewhat, feeling that I know them better now.. It was a good experience. Priceless memories too..

I guess I just suddenly realised how fragile friendship is. Though one might nurture it like a young sapling and it might have endured countless storms, chances are that one day, out of neglect, the young tree shall wither. Then imagine the agony that would arise - its magnitude would be beyond words. Then there's the inevitable situation where friendships become mere passing acknowledgement of each others' existence, just because of distance. On the other hand, there is also the inevitable withering of many friendships when my A level course finishes. Hard and ugly truth is, we will not be sent to the same university. God knows what would happen then. Start life anew? Life goes on? That would pretty much be what I would say were not for my coming of age into a whole new future.

I have learnt that friendships aren't something you take for granted and can just ignore. Over the past 5 months I have learned that some things in life may appear less than their worth. So one moment you might be laughing along with them, sharing their joys and all, then suddenly the next moment you are all alone, thinking: what happens when we part? When we pour out the effort to nurture something from scratch, a part of us hopes it would grow into something meaningful and could be part of our lives. Yet when the circumstances do not allow it, it could be reduced to ashes.

Call me emotional and too romantic (not the lovey dovey sense) for my own good, but seriously, if one is human enough, such questions inevitably arise. Gone are the days when I would think that I can survive on my own, that life goes on. I would pull a mask of defiance over my real face, and over the years I have perfected the art of not caring and in the process became immune to such petty issues. Living in KTT changed the way I perceive life. There's more to life than withdrawing into your own coccoon and not caring. For all of us are humans. In the end we tend to stick together to others, we tend to share joy and pain and we tend to huddle together in the dark. We tend to look for some sign of reassurance when we are confused while treading on the path towards the unknown. Knowing full well that studying medicine would pretty much rip apart our social lives in the future, we look at each other and ask: " Is this worth it? Why are we even here?"

Even though the answer eludes most of us, we know that we are not alone in thinking about that. That is how my deeper understanding of life came about - from the most basic of human interaction that fills our daily lives, our understanding of friendship gradually shapes itself into something substantial that can be grasped.

Friends are those who are equally confused as you are as you walk along the path of life. Friends are the people, whom you know for only months, celebrate your birthday with grandeur and go to the extent of springing a trap, preparing and pouring smelly gooey stuff on you just to celebrate your coming of age, of finally becoming 18. Friends are people who walk alongside you, who, in their togetherness of one ultimate aim, become comrade-in-arms with you. Inevitably they would part to carry on their own seperate paths.

As I waved goodbye to my friends when I sent them off at the airport, I suddenly felt heavy blows of anguish, pain beyond words. Be it imagination (I really hope it is) or some premonition of things yet to come, I realised that would be how it would feel like when the day arrives.

***

That is exactly why such sadness evolved from the mere thought of parting, because, in essence, I am a human again. And being human subjects me to sorrow.

I'm back.. finally.

The feelings can't be described by words. Its just.. amazing. Two words sum it up:

I'm home.

Too dazed to blog, will update soon.

And he can't hold off the temptation..

Temptation to blog, I might add. It has been almost one month since the last post (which drew quite a bit of, well, attention to my 'standard of English' ) and I intended to starve myself of Internet for a month, effectively trying to do an Internet fasting period. Lord knows how I suffered. Yet, life hasn't been all dreadful to me here. The longer one stays here in this isolated college, the more life's simple things seem more obvious.

Being the romanticist I am, sometimes things that were taken for granted can jump out at you and make you breathless. Even more so when one has been living for nothing but studies and the ultimate aim of just surviving it all. Speaking of surviving, the Advanced Subsidiary examination was.. daunting? Too early to say still, since we have only covered 5 papers, with 4 more to go. The last two papers for me were disastrous. Sickening and not at all up to par. Makes me cringe everytime I think of the stupid mistakes I made. Bleargh.

I can't wait to go back to Kuching. Speaking of which, some of my friends are going over for a little trip to see Kuching for the first time. Estella and I shall be their tour guides of sorts.

I miss Sarawak laksa so damn much.

I miss my friends at Kuching too. The crazy dudes and dudettes. The good old days. Alas, some things are not meant to last. Memories that linger between the undefined boundary of oblivion and eternity float like a petty wooden boat in the middle of a raging sea. Raging sea of clashing emotions and regrets.

4 more papers to go. I will get through this.



************************************************************************************



He panted and tried to catch his breath. His heart beat like a violent war drum, unceasing and ever forceful. His vision was clearer. Everything appeared to move slower and even Time itself seemed to lag. The adrenaline rush had been a boon. Had it been otherwise, he might have been slain, just like that, in the midst of the Plains of Norgrod.

They had been ambushed by a marauding platoon of Krugs. Those vile creatures - warlike, barbaric and vicious, living a life of savagery, sworn enemies of the Empire. Nobody knows where they came from. The mystics at the arcane sanctum of Arnorminas knew enough that they had a primal instinct for dominance and went to war under the guidance of a shadowy patriarchal figure. The people knew enough that when they came, they left only a trail of destruction behind. The soldiers knew enough that in battle, they have to rely on their wits and muster every ounce of courage and strength to survive. For these Krugs are born warriors, their eyes shone with bloodlust, their armours thick, shields broad and axes deadly.

It was a fact he had to learn the hard way. The lesson was reinforced and hammered into his head once again when he looked down. Only then did he realise the agonising pain in his upper arm. Had it not been for the rerebrace and pauldron, his whole left arm would have been sliced clean off his shoulder joint. His right thigh bled from an arrow that managed to punch a hole right through the coat of chainmail. He groaned, reached down and pulled it out. This one wasn't poisoned, he thought as he examined it. Not many in the army had his good luck then.

The rest were treading carefully around the bodies and discarded weapons. None had fallen. Good. They were not supposed to fall like toy soldiers that easily. It was what the training was for. Some recovered useful materials. The others piled the dead Krugs into a heap.

"Burn everything, do not leave anything behind. These Krugs are resourceful." he ordered the men. "We shall move out by nightfall. Those of you who are wounded, patch yourselves up and rest lightly. We have to move quickly. The fire would draw the rest from the mountains, if indeed they are intending to push southwest into the outlying villages. We do not want our heads rolling on the fields now, do we?" That drew some laughters from the men. Spirits were high, their morale undented.

That night, under the rare soft beam of the full moon, they marched on ahead, leaving behind a burnt, smoking pile. They held their heads high, fearless, even as the distant sound of the dreaded wardrums closed in behind them.

Storm is brewing..

As he sat on the silent stone steps of the fortress, he gazed into the far distance, where the sky was eternally darkened by a malice so intent, it tainted the northern sky black. A flash of lightning lit the sky, briefly revealing a wide field of nothingness. Here, he sat, contemplating the future that awaits him. It was so quiet. It was the calm before the storm.

Storm.. A storm is brewing. With it, a furious gale of unforgiving force of terror will rip apart anyone foolish enough to enter it unprepared.

He still remembered. How he, among thousands others, thousands of the best soldiers from the Empire's army were chosen for the elite fighting force. An elite fighting force so renown all over the Empire that it became a dream for every soldier to be part of it. He had friends who failed to be chosen. Yet when the official scroll of appointment came, he was a tad surprised to see that he, along 25 other soldiers of different creed, would be sent to garrison an outpost far in the cold, dark northern reaches of the Empire. An outpost so notorious for its distance from civilisation, only a handful were posted there. In his heart, he thought.. why the tiny troop? 26? Suicidal, considering the dangers that would be faced by them when they travel the perilous journey to garrison their new posts.

A soft breeze ruffled his hair, bringing him back to reality. He blinked, let out a slow sigh and looked down. His armour is heavy. His sword is dull. His shield, scarred from countless battles, rested against the stone steps. His leather gauntlets, embellished with the Empire's royal seal and coat-of-arms of the elite army, reminded him how he had surrendered the coming years under a voluntary service, all for the glory of the Empire. Was it worth it?

He remembered how being part of the elite army was all he ever wanted. Of course it was worth it.

He looked upwards and saw the glimpse of a raven, circling high above him. Closing his eyes, he suddenly recalled the first day he stepped into the barracks, where he would be spending the next 9 months undergoing a series of grueling and harsh training to prepare for his ultimate assignment. Together with hundreds others of new recruits, he would eat, sleep, and train in the isolated barracks. They had a nasty name for that place. He couldn't remember.. it had something to do with isolation..

He remembered the first day they were gathered in front of the Field Marshal and countless other captains. They had only words of warning and not one looked too happy nor proud. They knew that not all can survive out here.

"You do or you die. You have been chosen not out of your merits, not because you deserve the honour to serve as an elite soldier. You are here to prove your worth. Fail it, you're gone. No matter how many enemies you've killed, how many battles you've endured, no matter how high your ranks were in the army, in here, you're nobody."

Not a single one who didn't shudder at the thought then. He, for one, have not the slightest inkling of how harsh the training would be. All the thought of pride, of honour of being chosen, vanished. It was not what he thought it would be. It was far from it. It was, in a sense, hellish.

A sudden rumble of thunder brought him back out of his reverie. He opened his eyes, stifled a yawn and stood up clumsily. Armour be damned.. but such is the rule. They, the chosen 26, had to adhere by the strict code. They had to undergo the harshest training since they were posted to the northern frontier. He didn't know much about the others who trained alongside them, a much larger platoon of 60. Word was the rest were going to head south.

He felt sleepy. Aching all over from the sparring tests last week, he and his comrades had a few days off to rest before the actual perilous journey. He gazed northwards again. Storm is coming, he kept thinking. In 3 weeks' they would have to traverse the rugged terrain, bracing icy gale, holding on to dear life. It would be the hardest journey they ever took.

He stretched. The bell rang, signalling the switching of guard duty. He turned back and heard metal clinking. Immediately, he saw Xuyin, an talented sword-fighter and excellent archer who was probably the best among the 26. He never saw her being tired. She was always vigilant, always ready, eyes shining and face stern. Knowledgeable and wise. He paled in comparison.

He gave her a curt nod, she nodded back. He clambered up the steps, dreading the routine sparring practice and war skills they would have to undergo for the final time before embarking from the barracks. 3 more weeks before the bloody storm. Damn it.

Yet, with each step, his steely resolve began to surge through his blood. His heart is set with an unstoppable determination, not unlike those of his comrades:

I shall survive the storm. I have to. I will.

With one last look northwards at the dark sky, he trod lightly through the silent training ground.

Life's simple surprises.

Life. Its so filled with subtle surprises that you never tire of getting high just living it out.

Today, everybody was so excited. Even though its not our last paper for the Pre-AS exam, almost everyone (in my class, that is) cannot sit/stand still because we're gonna be free for almost 5 days after the paper. The session lasted for 1 hour (by jolly, thank goodness almost everything came out from past year paper) so we rushed back to our apartments, grabbed our bags (which were already packed yesterday) and everybody else literally ran to the van, eager to go home. All except me. Make no mistake, cause I'm not going home, and I'm not taking the van. Lol my sister came to fetch me and I'll be staying here, at her apartment for the short 'holiday'. So here I am, typing happily away at her laptop, content with the decent Internet connection. Compared to KTT's 'Wi-Fi' which could've been a Stone Age technology pioneered by the Flintstones, this is sheer bliss.

Anyway, back to the topic. Life.. sheer bliss.

What have I learned for the past 2 months? The experience, of course, is invaluable.

- I learned to appreciate Physics. (GASP!)
- I learned not to rush into things.
- I learned to think and not let emotions dictate my thoughts. (it could really be disastrous)
- I learned that when people are put together, with the same purpose and same aim, bonds of unbreakable friendship can be forged.

I don't know how others feel about my last point. Maybe they don't feel the same way. I have no idea. Yet, whenever I see them laughing, joking about stupid things, enduring the same lectures by the same lecturers, fighting through the challenges together, and whenever I step into a classroom and seeing their faces, I always tell myself: this is where I wanna be. I won't not trade them for the world. Seriously. There's this special feeling of attachment I feel for them all. Perhaps it is possible, considering they're gonna be my pillar of strength for the next 6 years, so far away from home.

I suddenly thought of the guys who live one floor below my apartment. Of the fond memories: where Kian Joo would burst into songs at every fixed intervals and his voice would be heard upstairs, where we would huddle together at the balcony and ogle at girls passing below on the road, where we would joke about stupid things.. Lol.

Life could throw simple surprises at you too. Take for example the fact that Kim Moo Moo sent an e-mail to me. Gosh, she's one of my best girl pal and I miss her. So imagine my delight and pleasant surprise to see the e-mail. Lol. Even though she's having an 'Internet fasting period' which I think is ridiculous in a biblical sense of proportion.

OMG I forgot to hand in the IELTS assignment to our lecturer. Shit. LOL that's so totally random.

Back to life's simple surprises. Oh yeah, a dear dear friend of mine said something just now which was, well, unexpected but it was.. sweet I guess. o.O

Suddenly, life's surprises don't seem that simple anymore. 8D I really wonder how on good earth things like that could happen. Maybe I'm not used to it, but who knows what the future holds. o.O

Oh I watched The Dark Knight just now with my sister. I enjoy watching the Joker. For once, a villain on screen had the sheer impact on me that I literally shuddered when he first opened his mouth to speak. Heath Ledger was TOP-NOTCH. I bet my ass NO ONE can beat that stellar performance as Joker. Seriously. He was SUPERB. The only other actor who, in my humble opinion, can exude such character on screen is Johnny Depp. Too bad Ledger is.. gone. *sob* oh yeah, I heard Johnny Depp's gonna be pulled in to be cast as the next villain in the third Batman film. HELL YEAH BABE!!!! He's gonna be The Riddler alongside another villain. Christian Bale will be Batman and Sir Michael Cane as the same old lovable butler (they are both awesome in their characters). I look forward to the film.

Speaking of which, I saw the trailer for Harry Potter's upcoming film. Forgot what's the name. Then again, I think my enthusiasm for HP has waned somewhat. Not was exciting as before. I demand something that stirs the intellect, or something that is no-brainer yet enormously fun. Nothing of the sort of in-between.

Running out of ideas..

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm here, studying A-levels, enduring it all just to be able to pass and go to Czech. Why medicine? Why? I could've chosen accountancy, or economics. I could've opted for petroleum engineering when I applied for Petronas. From what I gathered, many of my classmates think I should've gone for something business-related, not least due to the fact that I LOOK and TALK like a businessman, which is.. ==" SWT. but but.. why medicine??

Why?

No matter what people plan, things turn out to be not exactly the same way they planned it. Like The Joker in the film. He's the element of Chaos, out of which FEAR itself is created. No planning, no systematic and meticulous organising.. just plain.. headlong, bang boom goodbye. Amazing. Its the same in life. No matter what you plan, things.. never seem to go they way you planned. So it leads on to the thought that, you are MEANT to do something and its etched, somewhere, that its your destiny to tread that path. Karmic laws and the whole shebang, bla bla bla. I won't go into details.



Then again, why? lol..

Updates galore!

Not much of galore, now that I think of it. Since my last update, life has been busy. Most of my days were occupied with constant revision, study, revision, eat, sleep, study, and pretty much nothing else.

Occasionally we would go jog together and go up a nearby hill with a huge water tank on top. Then we would climb it, even though its a prohibited place (government facility) with barbed wires and locked gates and the whole shebang. We had lots of fun time up there together, with the wind in our faces and the sense of achievement filling our hearts, feeling adventurous and mischievious at the same time. Lol 8D

I really need to post a huge, one-time post about our 'adventures' here. Priceless memories..

Nothing much to say.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention that we're having exam. Pre-AS. It is a preparatory exam for us, prepping us for the real big mad thing next month. It's still not over yet, but the bulk of the difficult papers have passed. Luckily they weren't that hard. Slowly catching up with the pace.. o.O

And I learnt not to compete with others. Here, where everyone is as good or as bad as you are, to compete is tantamount to putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. The only one I need to beat is myself. I'm thankful enough if I can pass AS level with 3A's and get a good placement in Czech Republic.

No need compete. No need compete. No need compete.. I have a dear friend to thank for hammering that message into my head. 8D

Looking forward to Wednesday. I'll go to my sister's place and stay for a few days before coming back. Precious few days, a treasured holiday of sorts from this... place.

Till then, c ya..

Of cold water and crumbling self-esteem

Silence. It permeates the very air, it penetrates the brick and mortar walls of this isolated college, far from humanity, far from civilisation. Loneliness stabs the mortal heart, pierces it with the screaming agony of realisation of reality.

Everybody's gone. Everybody. Where have they gone?

Pardon the emo-ish intro. I wanted to try my hand at writing quality prose so this is a good practice.

As to the introduction, the silence part was very much a truth. India-bound students get to go back to their homes on account of the holiday (mid-semester break) while the 1 year programme students don't have such priviledges. Again, its one of the long list of disadvantages of being in the 1-year programme. Its not that I complain though. Reality sucks and it can whack you in the head, running away and laugh mockingly at times. The college is now more than half-empty. The silence pierces everything. It used to be quite noisy even up till midnight because the cafe is right in front of my apartment, so the noise can easily reach up to the 2nd floor. Now its only 8.50 p.m. and there's not a single sound of laughter/jeer/noise/whatever.

Plus, its Hungry Ghost Festival. OmGwTfBbQ.

Speaking of which, yesterday and today our test papers were handed back to us. What came as a surprise was the fact that I totally failed Chemistry. I was putting high hopes on it, but it turned out that I did lots of silly and stupid careless mistakes. WtF.. I THINK I flunked it, what with the college's passing mark being 76 and above if I'm not mistaken. Freakin' 76, what, does the college think we're freakin' robots that are designed to get bloody 120 marks for the first ever test? Then again, its good for us. Pretty effective shock therapy, I'd say. On second thought, shit la. I was aghast. Impossible! Chemistry was one of my best subjects. To flunk it does wonders for one's self esteem, the situation of which is worsened by the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by antisocial robots who eats books for breakfast. o.O

Luckily I scored 92 for Biology. It didn't help my self-esteem though, highest mark was 96. Plus, lots of people scored more than 90 (which is grade A according to the college's standard).

Major boo-hoo.

I feel numbed from the constant reminders the lecturers hurl at us. Top of the list: don't fool around. Focus. Don't fool around. Do the past year papers. Don't play play. Do lots of practise. Don't lose focus. Don't find trouble. Don't play. Don't shit, don't eat, don't crap, don't breathe. Don't don't don't.

Oh, Mr. Zaini did wonders for my whole class's self esteem by making a remark which left us gasping for breath and some even fainted:

"Your class's Physics is hopeless."

oMgWtFbBq.. o.O .. T.T

No hope. Sickening. Vomit blood. I literally heard the earth-shattering noise of crumbling confidence then.


LOL 8DDDDDD I'm doomed. Wahahahahahhaahahhahahahahhahahahha....

And I'm out of me mind. Macam taik!.. T.T

Post exam limbo

The past week had been pretty uneventful, except for the fact that we had our first exam. Thank goodness it was only an internal mid semester exam. Yet, I felt a little apprehensive and doubt that I could do well. First paper was Biology, followed by Chemistry and Physics. The tests took place over the course of 3 days, with 1 paper on each day. Interesting point to note: since we're in the SAP (super accelerated programme, LOL I made the term up myself :P) we had to take the exam at night. Ain't that cool or what.

Bio was okay.. Chemistry was challenging but I guess I can survive it.. the acid test came the day Physics was tested. We were told the exam would only cover until Dynamics, as far as Newton's Laws of Motion. Out came crap like conservation of momentum and definitions of the laws where we had to explain all sorts of bloody crap and draw up equations. What la weih, our lectureres haven't even reached there.. ==" not putting high hopes on the subject. Bluek. Sidenote: Kian Joo thinks he can't do well in any of the subjects. He asked me to type this sentence because he's right behind me now. =_=

I was pretty excited when my sister's graduation day drew near, but too bad I can't attend it. My parents came over from Sarawak, so I got the chance to go to KL on Friday. Such a short time spent with family, but very well worth it. Missed 2 days of revision but I think I can compensate for it in these couple of days. Lagging far too behind compared to the rest of my group. Swt la.. they're so chiong and si beh rajin.. what the.. omgwtfbbq.. I shall not compare with them. Beating my own self is the ultimate aim. Wahaha..

Speaking of which, I think my English standard is deteriorating, slowly but surely. Notice how much my English changed especially the way I blog? Maybe its not so obvious because I talk crap when I blog. I'm afraid I couldn't produce high-quality essays with bombastic and fantastic words peppered with good prose when the time calls for it - the IELTS exam next year. Swt.. I can't think in abstract terms and come up with flowery, chim chim stuff anymore. ARghhhHHH. Stewpid. Blame it on A-levels. 8D

Gah. Nothing much to say.. That's it for now.




p.s. I MISS SARAWAK LAKSA!!!!!!!!!!!
p.s.s I MISS MY SARAWAK FRIENDS!!! If you're reading this, you know who you are. =)

Aloha~

Bluek.. exam in 3 days. OMGWTFBBQ feel like no matter how hard I study, nothing is getting in. Probably because all the stuff is almost similar to the things we learnt in Form 5.

Sien. Life in KTT is slowly becoming a routine for me. Eat, sleep, pang sai, study, eat, sleep, pang sai, study.. Looking forward to getting out of here when mid-sem exam is over. We're going to Mid-Valley. Hell yeah 8D ... but then speaking of which, our allowance still haven't been credited into the bank account.. JPA super slow.. people here no more money liao weih..

After mid-sem, class resumes for 3 weeks before the Pre-AS exam.. WTF? This is indeed a super-accelerated program. The word is fast becoming a phrase and is integrating itself into our lexicon. Like how our Physics lecturer, Mr.Zaini says it in his distinctive style and booming voice: " You cannot afford to fool around.. You are in a super-accelerated program. 1 year will pass by very quickly and everything is super fast. " o.O no need rub it in lah weih..

Sigh. I really need a laptop. Sometimes I have questions regarding studies of which the answers cannot be found in any reference books.. Need to go search in Internet. But then comlab here is like kanasai.. Internet super slow.. worse than Slowmyx.. The PC is like something out of the Stone Age. Plus mana ada time come comlab just to search for answers? People have better stuff to do la.. Aduh.. I see a friend, he study very high tech one.. laptop one side, book one side, then occasionally type in laptop search for answers.. No wonder his SPM 15A1 and is one of Brand's High Achievers' Award recipient.. walao..

Speaking of which, I feel very stupid le being here. Everybody is like super freakin' genius and super freakin' hardworking.. Average study hours daily? 5 hours minimum. Average sleep time? 5 hours. OMG these people are like robots.. no need sleep, no need eat, no need pang sai, no social life. Everything is just study study study. Walao.. okay I might be exaggerating. Then again the people here ( I mean the JPA scholars la of course) are really chiong-ing.. not even exam season. I like this kind of dilligent culture though. Far better compared to the outsiders diploma students.. kanasai la.. Why open up diploma programmes for these people.. haih.

I miss Sarawak laksa.. gahhh...

That's all for now.. nothing more to crap about..